Even though I've come pretty far on my journey to feel better, I sometimes fall into old patterns again. Without even noticing actually..
The last two weeks, I've winded myself up to the level where I have troubles getting to sleep, have no feelings of hunger, and run forward like a bulldozer here at home.
Yesterday I just stopped in the middle of it all and almost slapped myself when I finally saw what I was doing.
First, I got frustrated, then sad, then tired, then determined to make it stop.
Through out the last year, I've worked out a kind of checklist to get to the bottom with my behavior as soon as possible. It looks something like this (and is measured during three days):
-Have I eaten? (When and what did I eat, and how?)
-Have I slept? (When, how much, continuously?)
-Showered?
-Been outside in broad daylight?
-Exercised?
When I am a bit of a mess, all of the above is out of balance. And they mostly work depending on each other.
So, where do I start when I want to correct it all before it goes even further down the line?
If I look at this now, during these weeks, it would probably be like this:
-I've eaten in a hurry (because of our youngest, he's a handfull right now). And when I've been eating, I'm always stressed out, so I tend to eat fast carbs, like bread and pasta (my body really dislikes gluten, too bad...) and candy more often than usually. So, my stomach is angry with me.
-Sleep. Hm... My beloved husband is down with a nasty cold. This means he snores and coughes - a lot. Our toddler also got this virus, so he sleeps every now and then during the day and night. No pattern at all. So my sleep is out of order. Big time.
-Shower, getting outdoors and maybe do my exercises, well.. Ok, that part I do , not least because our dog needs her time in the woods.
So today I've been pretty hard on my family, but I refuse to have a guilty conscious about that.
I demanded to get to eat my breakfast properly (my oldest had to take care of baby toddler for ten sweaty minutes), I took a longer walk with our dog than I usually do, and we all ate dinner (even though I get to eat after hubs, so we can take turns in watching the baby who is not at all cooperative while at the dinner table at the moment) and no one was allowed to rush through it just to get away from the table and back to the computer.
Yei
for me!
This night, I even demanded to have the bedroom all by myself, and the baby. As long as my man is having this cold (and snores like I don't know what), I think it's in order for him to sleep in the guestroom. Either that, or I'll have to punch him several times at night, and that I really don't want to do. Nor do I want to get frustrated and angry at him over this. Completely unnecessary if we can avoid it.
I can really recommend you all to make a list like this, I think it helps most of the time.
Make room for columns marked Problem, Cause and Solution. Just try for a while, Hope it works as good for you as it does for me.
torsdag
söndag
A really beautiful week
This week my kids have had a week off from school, called sports break. For over a year now we have talked about travelling up north, to the snowy mountains and ski for a couple of days, and now we finally did.
My oldest stayed at come though, infected toes, tired after everything in school (it's been a whole lot for him this year since it's his final year at senior and all), so he badly needed to be just by himself for some days. Hard for me not to have my whole family gathered, but I have to let him choose what's best for him without interfering. And when we came back home, he was really relaxed and happy. So... it was right not to force him, although I felt like I was kind of a bad mom for letting him stay at home all by himself. "Cut the cord mooom!"
For myself, I can only say that I (regardless my kids and husband) needed the change more than I could ever imagine. Blessed be my mother in law who took care of our youngest while we went skiing every day.
She and her husband also went with us up north. Although I can be a bit grumpy if not left alone, I really love these two. Truly they are the best parents in law one could have. Always there, always helpful, caring, no arguing ever (not with us or by them self), calm, down to earth.. Simply the best there is!
I've had troubles trusting them, but that's on my table, not theirs. I have troubles trusting almost anyone, but these last years I think I'm learning that some people can be nice and true and, above all, to be counted on for sure.
I always draw parallels to my own parents when I meet my friends (or earlier partners) parents. It hurts a whole lot not to have the unconditional love that I see others getting from their mothers and fathers. It hurts to see how they talk and act around each other, how they trust, laugh, and relax in each others company. But the pain is softening up a bit, even if its a slow process.
Earlier, I had quite big troubles handling this life that I saw others share. Without wanting it, I could get overwhelming feelings of hatred or just feelings of a black hole in my heart. I could actually even get sick to my stomach when my friends hugged their mothers.
Earlier on, if I could, I chose to avoid these situations just to keep some of the love for my friends intact. As I said, I couldn't control the hatred, it even made me prefer loneliness most times to be honest. But I've worked hard on that part as well. Now, I can accept that others really love their moms, without me getting hysterically sad or angry. It might sound crazy to have those feelings, but if you always feel ashamed (shame is one dangerous feeling), neglected and hated, that's the way it goes sometimes..
It is a big step for me, both to put fear aside and trust, and not less to let others like and care for me as well.
The thing is, I kind of have to trust at least my husbands family. I made a promise to myself when we became serious that I would try force my stubborn guard down, but still not lay flat and let myself be treaded on. A very thin string to balance on, that one. But I'm slowly getting there!
So. Tired legs, deep thoughts, a suntan á la cliffhanger, a calmer, stronger soul and a couple of bruises will summon up a really nice week. <3
My oldest stayed at come though, infected toes, tired after everything in school (it's been a whole lot for him this year since it's his final year at senior and all), so he badly needed to be just by himself for some days. Hard for me not to have my whole family gathered, but I have to let him choose what's best for him without interfering. And when we came back home, he was really relaxed and happy. So... it was right not to force him, although I felt like I was kind of a bad mom for letting him stay at home all by himself. "Cut the cord mooom!"
For myself, I can only say that I (regardless my kids and husband) needed the change more than I could ever imagine. Blessed be my mother in law who took care of our youngest while we went skiing every day.
She and her husband also went with us up north. Although I can be a bit grumpy if not left alone, I really love these two. Truly they are the best parents in law one could have. Always there, always helpful, caring, no arguing ever (not with us or by them self), calm, down to earth.. Simply the best there is!
I've had troubles trusting them, but that's on my table, not theirs. I have troubles trusting almost anyone, but these last years I think I'm learning that some people can be nice and true and, above all, to be counted on for sure.
I always draw parallels to my own parents when I meet my friends (or earlier partners) parents. It hurts a whole lot not to have the unconditional love that I see others getting from their mothers and fathers. It hurts to see how they talk and act around each other, how they trust, laugh, and relax in each others company. But the pain is softening up a bit, even if its a slow process.
Earlier, I had quite big troubles handling this life that I saw others share. Without wanting it, I could get overwhelming feelings of hatred or just feelings of a black hole in my heart. I could actually even get sick to my stomach when my friends hugged their mothers.
Earlier on, if I could, I chose to avoid these situations just to keep some of the love for my friends intact. As I said, I couldn't control the hatred, it even made me prefer loneliness most times to be honest. But I've worked hard on that part as well. Now, I can accept that others really love their moms, without me getting hysterically sad or angry. It might sound crazy to have those feelings, but if you always feel ashamed (shame is one dangerous feeling), neglected and hated, that's the way it goes sometimes..
It is a big step for me, both to put fear aside and trust, and not less to let others like and care for me as well.
The thing is, I kind of have to trust at least my husbands family. I made a promise to myself when we became serious that I would try force my stubborn guard down, but still not lay flat and let myself be treaded on. A very thin string to balance on, that one. But I'm slowly getting there!
So. Tired legs, deep thoughts, a suntan á la cliffhanger, a calmer, stronger soul and a couple of bruises will summon up a really nice week. <3
onsdag
Narcissistic mothers - just put them on a distant island please
Last time I wrote here, my journey back to work through a rehabteam was about to take off.
Well. Not surprisingly, it's going to take some time. Not in the way I expected, but due to failure of the rehabs computersystem. They have a heavy bug in the system, and I'm one of all who can't get my case started because of this.
It's not really the biggest deal, could be far worse of course. But I so wanted to get started! Now I'll just have to be patience for yet another week.
Meanwhile I read and write if time's given. A week ago a friend of mine sent me this book called "You're not crazy, it's your mother". http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/youre-not-crazy-book/
Without hesitation, this book have saved me in so many ways. Of course a lot of my 3-year long therapy has helped me see this thing about my childhood (and sc mother) clearly, but this book summons up just about all of it. And - it gives tools and terms that puts it all in place.
Just to get to read that you are not alone, not the only one with a narcissistic mother, and that it exists a actual word for her condition, imagine the tears I shed while reading! I'm just sad I didn't get to read this book sooner in life!
And the author writes really well according to me. Easy to understand, easy to relate to, easy to take to your heart, honest and clear. Go ahead and read it!
One of the things that I have to struggle with because of the traumas (traumas is actually a weak word compared to what really took place) through my childhood and teenage years is something called dissociation syndrome. More about that here for those of you who want to read a bit about it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Being cut of from your feelings isn't functional at all, even if it's saved my sanity through all this.
And now, working so hard to be able to feel properly again, is really tiring, but its also worth every moment of suffering and agony.
As I said earlier - my psychodynamic therapy has helped me heal a lot, but some days I struggle more than hard to get my mind around all that's happened and where I ended up because of it. There are still days that I actually strongly believe in (and hear in my ears) my mothers words "You are retarded, you're never going to be normal like your sisters. Shame on you, why must you put me through this??"
It took me about twenty years to understand that I am completely not-retarded, that I actually am pretty smart. When I did the big psychiatric evaluation on personality disorders etc, the only thing they did find was my 'repeated depressions caused by childhood traumas', and the fact that I'm above normal in IQ. Actually, far over the limit. So that too helped me realize that I am not stupid. Bam!
One of the thoughts my therapist has repeated many times over is "If your mother thought that you actually was retarded or mentally ill, why didn't she seek help? Why did she treat you the way she did?"
And that is a really good question.
One of the answers is revealed in the term Narcissistic parents. Yes.
Because as long as my mother had this strange, wicked child, all lights were on her. On her as a struggling, desperate, caring mother. An oh the attention she could seek from having this troubled child! She could talk for hours and hours about how she could help me, what roads she had to go down to keep herself together. That her daughter were scared to life and badly beaten and sexually abused for many years, she didn't mention. Of course. Go figure...
Once again, if any of this rings a bell in your soul, please read more about this kind of sick parents.
//Love and strength to all you brave warriors out there!
Well. Not surprisingly, it's going to take some time. Not in the way I expected, but due to failure of the rehabs computersystem. They have a heavy bug in the system, and I'm one of all who can't get my case started because of this.
It's not really the biggest deal, could be far worse of course. But I so wanted to get started! Now I'll just have to be patience for yet another week.
Meanwhile I read and write if time's given. A week ago a friend of mine sent me this book called "You're not crazy, it's your mother". http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/youre-not-crazy-book/
Without hesitation, this book have saved me in so many ways. Of course a lot of my 3-year long therapy has helped me see this thing about my childhood (and sc mother) clearly, but this book summons up just about all of it. And - it gives tools and terms that puts it all in place.
Just to get to read that you are not alone, not the only one with a narcissistic mother, and that it exists a actual word for her condition, imagine the tears I shed while reading! I'm just sad I didn't get to read this book sooner in life!
And the author writes really well according to me. Easy to understand, easy to relate to, easy to take to your heart, honest and clear. Go ahead and read it!
One of the things that I have to struggle with because of the traumas (traumas is actually a weak word compared to what really took place) through my childhood and teenage years is something called dissociation syndrome. More about that here for those of you who want to read a bit about it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Being cut of from your feelings isn't functional at all, even if it's saved my sanity through all this.
And now, working so hard to be able to feel properly again, is really tiring, but its also worth every moment of suffering and agony.
As I said earlier - my psychodynamic therapy has helped me heal a lot, but some days I struggle more than hard to get my mind around all that's happened and where I ended up because of it. There are still days that I actually strongly believe in (and hear in my ears) my mothers words "You are retarded, you're never going to be normal like your sisters. Shame on you, why must you put me through this??"
It took me about twenty years to understand that I am completely not-retarded, that I actually am pretty smart. When I did the big psychiatric evaluation on personality disorders etc, the only thing they did find was my 'repeated depressions caused by childhood traumas', and the fact that I'm above normal in IQ. Actually, far over the limit. So that too helped me realize that I am not stupid. Bam!
One of the thoughts my therapist has repeated many times over is "If your mother thought that you actually was retarded or mentally ill, why didn't she seek help? Why did she treat you the way she did?"
And that is a really good question.
One of the answers is revealed in the term Narcissistic parents. Yes.
Because as long as my mother had this strange, wicked child, all lights were on her. On her as a struggling, desperate, caring mother. An oh the attention she could seek from having this troubled child! She could talk for hours and hours about how she could help me, what roads she had to go down to keep herself together. That her daughter were scared to life and badly beaten and sexually abused for many years, she didn't mention. Of course. Go figure...
Once again, if any of this rings a bell in your soul, please read more about this kind of sick parents.
//Love and strength to all you brave warriors out there!
tisdag
Rehabilitation all set
Sorry for my absence these last weeks. I'll have to blame a nasty mancold (yes, women can have those too). But now I'm back to my self again, yei to that!
So. What's happening in my life at the moment?
A.....lot!
I finally got my cooperation all set and ready to go with a rehabilitationteam. Isn't that great? And what's even better - I got the absolutely sweetest lady to be in charge of my progress, and we have now worked out a lighter plan for me getting back to work (and in time - a normal life). She is very sound and has a good, sober way in looking at life, she has been burnt out herself, so she really knows what that's like too, and she has a son with certain disabilities, so she gets that part as well.
Although it's hard for me to trust others, I'm slowly getting my hopes up here. And it feels so good. On top of that, my economic situation is being taken cared of by another man at this rehabteam. (No, I'm not going to be wealthy by this, but at least I can pay my bills properly, as long as I take good care of and plan my financial situation well).
At the end of this week I'm going to have yet another meeting with the nice lady, and then they are going to send me to a doctor for an examination, just to get some of my conditions checked up properly one more time. Let's just really, reeeally hope they have a good, understanding, not ignorant doctor on board....
Of course I understand that rehab is going to take time for me, maybe even up to three years they said. But at least I'm on my way. And I'm actually going to allow myself to feel good about this! Even if it's just for now.
So. What's happening in my life at the moment?
A.....lot!
I finally got my cooperation all set and ready to go with a rehabilitationteam. Isn't that great? And what's even better - I got the absolutely sweetest lady to be in charge of my progress, and we have now worked out a lighter plan for me getting back to work (and in time - a normal life). She is very sound and has a good, sober way in looking at life, she has been burnt out herself, so she really knows what that's like too, and she has a son with certain disabilities, so she gets that part as well.
Although it's hard for me to trust others, I'm slowly getting my hopes up here. And it feels so good. On top of that, my economic situation is being taken cared of by another man at this rehabteam. (No, I'm not going to be wealthy by this, but at least I can pay my bills properly, as long as I take good care of and plan my financial situation well).
At the end of this week I'm going to have yet another meeting with the nice lady, and then they are going to send me to a doctor for an examination, just to get some of my conditions checked up properly one more time. Let's just really, reeeally hope they have a good, understanding, not ignorant doctor on board....
Of course I understand that rehab is going to take time for me, maybe even up to three years they said. But at least I'm on my way. And I'm actually going to allow myself to feel good about this! Even if it's just for now.
fredag
I'm choosing to be pissed off
Not a choise I would recommend on a Friday, the beginning of the weekend. One should be at least slightly happy, but no, I'm really mad and stressed out.
Our street's got a big leak, so we have no water, haven't had in a day. No washing neither the baby's bottles, hands, no nothing.
And that's when you realize how lucky and comfortable we really are in this land.
But still pissed off for other reasons as well. I'm taking a few days off this blog for now, and get back when I have other words than these nastyness to write.
See ya!
Our street's got a big leak, so we have no water, haven't had in a day. No washing neither the baby's bottles, hands, no nothing.
And that's when you realize how lucky and comfortable we really are in this land.
But still pissed off for other reasons as well. I'm taking a few days off this blog for now, and get back when I have other words than these nastyness to write.
See ya!
tisdag
Back on track, sort of...
The emotional chaos have calmed down a bit now, thank you Lord (or whomever in charge of things).
My husband (and I) have talked this disappointment through as much as an aspie of his kind can express things in words. (I have to be really careful not to "speak over him", which can be easy to do when it takes him a minimum of ap 20 minutes to just answer a daily, simple question...)
He finally came around, and is now seeking other occupations, I'm so proud of him! Of course it still hurts like hell for him, but he's back in the game again. Hopefully something will come up that suits his skills just fine.
What's more on the board today...?
Oh. I made a call to the head of the newspaper that wrote this article about me and heavy painkillers. It turned out this lady who made the article didn't have permission at all to throw this minimovie of me speaking about suicide out on the internet.
Stupid and too naive for my own good, I thought I had no right to complain about all that, but as the days went by I got more and more angry of her.
Who was she to lie in my face about not filming, who was she to publish this on the freaking net without me even knowing of it??
So. I made a call to her boss (aka The Boss) and just asked a bit politely if this was allowed, and if this was the way they did things at this newspaper if his. I told him about how my teens felt after seeing their mom saying out loud that she had planned (and set a date) to commit suicide (even if that's not the case now, four years later), especially since they lost their father that way. This boss went bananas, berserk and yelled preeeetty much. The woman who wrote about me (her writing was ok though I told him) is not going to be able to pull a trick like this again, we can just leave it to that. Ha!
For once I stood up for myself. For once I didn't allow someone else to push me around and to get away with a lousy behavior that I had to suffer over.
High five to me!
-The Right To React
My husband (and I) have talked this disappointment through as much as an aspie of his kind can express things in words. (I have to be really careful not to "speak over him", which can be easy to do when it takes him a minimum of ap 20 minutes to just answer a daily, simple question...)
He finally came around, and is now seeking other occupations, I'm so proud of him! Of course it still hurts like hell for him, but he's back in the game again. Hopefully something will come up that suits his skills just fine.
What's more on the board today...?
Oh. I made a call to the head of the newspaper that wrote this article about me and heavy painkillers. It turned out this lady who made the article didn't have permission at all to throw this minimovie of me speaking about suicide out on the internet.
Stupid and too naive for my own good, I thought I had no right to complain about all that, but as the days went by I got more and more angry of her.
Who was she to lie in my face about not filming, who was she to publish this on the freaking net without me even knowing of it??
So. I made a call to her boss (aka The Boss) and just asked a bit politely if this was allowed, and if this was the way they did things at this newspaper if his. I told him about how my teens felt after seeing their mom saying out loud that she had planned (and set a date) to commit suicide (even if that's not the case now, four years later), especially since they lost their father that way. This boss went bananas, berserk and yelled preeeetty much. The woman who wrote about me (her writing was ok though I told him) is not going to be able to pull a trick like this again, we can just leave it to that. Ha!
For once I stood up for myself. For once I didn't allow someone else to push me around and to get away with a lousy behavior that I had to suffer over.
High five to me!
-The Right To React
lördag
Rough days, asperger diagnosis
This week has not been easy. First of all, my husband got diagnosis aspergers syndrome, or as the psychiatrist said "You are clearly autistic, but the level you're at, we call it HFA".
HFA is a high functioning autistic. That means that he is within the numbers of the scale that shows if a person is on the autism spectra, but that he is functioning well measured to our society's standards.
The short version:
I have suspected this for two years (we've been together 2,5 years). Or, to be honest, I did more than suspected it, I kind of knew somewhere, for sure.
During my last pregnancy (his first time being a father), he acted so strange. I just couldn't figure out if he was not happy about the baby (but he bought all these baby stuff, even imported toys and clothing etc), or if he was afraid to feel (in case things didn't end well with our son), or if he just hated me and the fact that I became unexpectedly pregnant. It was the last thing I felt most sure about, because he didn't respond to the babys movements in my belly, he didn't speak to me or asked about how I was (it was a tough pregnancy on top of all the other shit), he ignored me totally when we were around others (exept for when we met with his family, then he always held my hand and sat close to me). To make a long story short- he seemed to be a complete asshole.
As time went by, and we moved in together, I started noticing strange behavior patterns. He always seemed to do the same stuff in a very precise order that couldn't be interrupted, he struggled with finding answers when we talked (he actually struggled for usually over an hour, sometimes longer, even in the smallest daily conversations, then he might answer - but very often the answer never came), he made strange noises and had tics..
So, chitchatting never happened in our home, silence always happened, to put it nicely.
This thing with heavy delayed answers and problems to take initiatives to actually take action even to the smallest things is a big trouble in his life, but he has always thought he's just lazy or clueless.
Well, however. That's when I realized he wasn't a jerk at all. He had been able to "hide" his behaviors fairly well for as long as we didn't live together, but now when we shared more than our office at work, it became harder and harder to hide.
My heart breaks for many reasons here. He must have struggled so unbelievably hard to behave "normal" around me (what now normal really is in our world?), he did know on some level that he had troubles and was different from others, and - I'm actually sorry for my self, for all the pain this has cost me.
Now, back to this week. He seemed to take the diagnosis quite ok. It was a very good psychiatrist who did this whole examination and all the tests. He came back from their latest meeting feeling relieved, saying that he finally had some kind of answer to why he'd felt like some kind of alien most of his life.
What broke him down completely was that he went to an interview about an important job at the marina some weeks ago. A job he really, really wanted, and he has more than the skills and education they asked for. He is very well educated, actually he's a captain and a really good administrative worker as well.
They got back to him just yesterday, after three long weeks of waiting, and told him that he didn't get this job. They told him that he had all the education right, but that he was too slow in answering them during the interview, and they need someone who can make fast decisions and act on these in the blink of an eye.
They even said that he was better off behind a computer than at the marina. You can imagine how he feels about hearing this...
Now he just sits, quiet, sad and refuses to do anything other than eat. He feels that he is heavy retarded and that everyone can see it. He's ashamed. And I'm completely clueless of what to do, how to help him. Can I even help? Please leave comments if you can come up with any advice.
HFA is a high functioning autistic. That means that he is within the numbers of the scale that shows if a person is on the autism spectra, but that he is functioning well measured to our society's standards.
The short version:
I have suspected this for two years (we've been together 2,5 years). Or, to be honest, I did more than suspected it, I kind of knew somewhere, for sure.
During my last pregnancy (his first time being a father), he acted so strange. I just couldn't figure out if he was not happy about the baby (but he bought all these baby stuff, even imported toys and clothing etc), or if he was afraid to feel (in case things didn't end well with our son), or if he just hated me and the fact that I became unexpectedly pregnant. It was the last thing I felt most sure about, because he didn't respond to the babys movements in my belly, he didn't speak to me or asked about how I was (it was a tough pregnancy on top of all the other shit), he ignored me totally when we were around others (exept for when we met with his family, then he always held my hand and sat close to me). To make a long story short- he seemed to be a complete asshole.
As time went by, and we moved in together, I started noticing strange behavior patterns. He always seemed to do the same stuff in a very precise order that couldn't be interrupted, he struggled with finding answers when we talked (he actually struggled for usually over an hour, sometimes longer, even in the smallest daily conversations, then he might answer - but very often the answer never came), he made strange noises and had tics..
So, chitchatting never happened in our home, silence always happened, to put it nicely.
This thing with heavy delayed answers and problems to take initiatives to actually take action even to the smallest things is a big trouble in his life, but he has always thought he's just lazy or clueless.
Well, however. That's when I realized he wasn't a jerk at all. He had been able to "hide" his behaviors fairly well for as long as we didn't live together, but now when we shared more than our office at work, it became harder and harder to hide.
My heart breaks for many reasons here. He must have struggled so unbelievably hard to behave "normal" around me (what now normal really is in our world?), he did know on some level that he had troubles and was different from others, and - I'm actually sorry for my self, for all the pain this has cost me.
Now, back to this week. He seemed to take the diagnosis quite ok. It was a very good psychiatrist who did this whole examination and all the tests. He came back from their latest meeting feeling relieved, saying that he finally had some kind of answer to why he'd felt like some kind of alien most of his life.
What broke him down completely was that he went to an interview about an important job at the marina some weeks ago. A job he really, really wanted, and he has more than the skills and education they asked for. He is very well educated, actually he's a captain and a really good administrative worker as well.
They got back to him just yesterday, after three long weeks of waiting, and told him that he didn't get this job. They told him that he had all the education right, but that he was too slow in answering them during the interview, and they need someone who can make fast decisions and act on these in the blink of an eye.
They even said that he was better off behind a computer than at the marina. You can imagine how he feels about hearing this...
Now he just sits, quiet, sad and refuses to do anything other than eat. He feels that he is heavy retarded and that everyone can see it. He's ashamed. And I'm completely clueless of what to do, how to help him. Can I even help? Please leave comments if you can come up with any advice.
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