I'm a parent of four. Four boys in ninteens years, and they are my teachers, guides, sweethearts and biggest inspiration. I often wonder where I would have been if they hadn't come into my life, but one thing is sure - I wouldn't have been the person that I am today.
Having children is a huge step in life. Like any other, I didn't relize how big of a thing that was, until I had my first son nineteen years ago. Beeing me, with the childhood that I've had, it struck me then, and still strikes me every day, how people can have children and still behave like idiots, how people can have children and treat them like garbage (or worse). I was overwhealmed by all the love and the feelings of protection I felt -and still feel- towards my children. Of course I've not been the perfect parent at all times, I too must learn. But I have never in their life hit them, humiliated them or not taken their side when they needed it.
Others have called me a too strict parent from time to time, but I am certain of the fact that children needs clear lines and promises not broken of any kind. If they have missbehaved and I have told them that the weekend candy is off if they do, I stand my ground. No, I don't think that's being hard on them, I think (and now know for sure) that that kind of behaviour from me actually gives them a safe ground to stand on. I have never threatened to beat them up, ever. I have never punished them like I was punished, and I have always been there for them.
Even when I hit the wall four years ago, I was still there for my kids. That was actually the only thing I could hold on to at that time in my life. So I thank every god that I have my kids. Without them I'm empty.
When my second son was born, I had grown a big guilty consious around pretty much everything. I was never good enough of a mother, wife or anything, I could always have done more than I did, etc etc. So one day, it just popped into my head - I'm freaking doing the very best I can. Yes.
Right then and there I understood fully how much having this guilt clinging on to me the whole time took so much of my energy away. Strange that I hadn't noticed this earlier though.
I personally think much guilt came from the need to be better than my own mother, that and the fact that we (my husband and I) were young parents. I wanted to prove that I was just as good as all the other mothers around us, I wanted to prove to my mother in law that I could take care of our family despite what she gossips about with her friends, I wanted everybody to see how good I was. No preassure....
Stupid, silly me. Why couldn't I just relax and be satisfied with me doing what I could? So much time feeling like a failure. Time lost, never coming back.
Of course I'm grateful now that it sooner or later got into my head, that part regarding having a permanent guilt in my heart. Actually, how bad things have gotten in my life during the years, I have always tried to rest in just that - I do the best I can, I am the best I can be at the moment.
Also, having kids of course have made me analyze even more about my own family. It has been a very long and hard road. To accept that I was treated and bullied amongst my own is hurtful. Even more hurtful because I now have a family of my own to compare everything against.
Come to think of it, getting children have probably even helped heal me in a way, because now I know that I'm a good person. Finally. And that I am human after all. A human being with feelings, faults and good sides, strenghts and spots of dirt. And that's ok, I'm ok.
By now I'm a bit over fourty, and I don't have even a tiny bit of guilt in me. Ok, if you count the times I let the family have take'out food or buy a thing that we don't really need, ok.... But I mean guilt over being a not good enough person, because I know I am.
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