Goodbye relatives

Although I'm not the very best at updating this blog, sorry for that, I'm still here.
Last few weeks has been a roller coaster emotionally (not unusual), but I'm pretty much ok by now.


This year is my third in dynamic psychotherapy. When I began with this therapist, very little hope were given about me ever coming back from the depth of depression. She has really helped me, this one, and I'm now proud to say I begin to feel whole. I never felt that in my life, secure and calm, but now I do most of the time.
(A bit more about my childhood is written at the blog dandelionschild.blogspot.com. I couldn't write more in that place right now, too painful. But I'll catch up with my upcoming book soon enough,).

For many years I strongly believed that a perfect person was never angry, bitter, sad or said ugly things. I measured myself in the lowest of standards every time I got disappointed and therefor sad or angry. Imagine the preassure...Year after year I beat my self up for not being happy, for not trusting blindly, for not understanding shallow relationships etc etc. I was a looser, a failure, a paria.
Now, after this time in therapy, I've come to understand that your'e NOT evil for saying no, not evil for standing your ground or not accepting others bahaviour towards you (and your mind and body). Talk about a new world for me!
Right now, when I finally got hang of it, I feel very much free inside. Free, less stress and more at peace with who I really am. About a year into talking about my childhood, my therapist finally got a clue on who I am and why. And she ultimately gave me the "diagnosis" dissociation. Then the hard work on my soul and mind took of. I have often wondered if it's really worth it in the end, the pain, shame, sorrows and all the other devastating feelings that comes up to my surface during this long process. As for the passed week now, I know for sure that it is totally good, all this. I've come miles from where I started out, and this is why:


I haven't had any contact with my sisters or my mother for about six years now. I chose to cut it all when my grandparents died, once and for all. Before my grandmother died, she actually was very encouraging about me saying goodbye to  them all. She thought it was sad that our family is so much of a bitter, nasty freakshow (her words) but she understood very well why I couldn't live like them anymore. One can't go on hating, talking behind backs, always attempting to gather "points" to have hooks on others, not saying hi or even give a cup of sugar to the nabour....
So when I got her sign and blessing, I just waited for her to pass away so that she wouldn't have to witness the war that followed. Actually, I didn't even go to her funural -for many reasons, one was that my mother and sisters very much wanted to give her the cheapest ceremony possible, simplest flowers and coffin, more money left for them from the heritage they said - I throw up on the inside even thinking about that time they said that in our funeral office.
Me, my husband and my kids got our own ceremony with her, thanks to the undertaker. And that was a worthy goodbye for both of our parts.
I sat at her side the last night when she was about to pass away. None of our other family thought it was relevant to be with her then at all. After all that she did her entire life for the others (and she did a lot, believe me), they had absolutely nothing to offer her at her very last hour. Painful to see my own family behaving this way. But not surprising at all. Even then, I couldn't manage to handle these ugly souls, I just cried and begged them to come to their senses, but no.
An hour after I left the hospital, she passed on. None of my relatives called me, I just got a text from my sister the morning after that said "She passed at 02.16, thought you should know".
Nothing more, not a word more. Later on, they accused me of her death that night, because I was the last one who saw her alive. Not the terminal cancer that she fought against was to blame, it was obviously me that caused her death. I (stupidly enough) forgave them for saying that, but of course I was angry. But as granny said - freakshow. I still believed that I had no right to say no to them, that I had no right to demand respect. Silly me. Stupid me.
So, it's been six years now, or maybe seven. The day I took the final descision not to see them as my family anymore, that was the day I was born. Litterally. Through the therapy I have learned how this kind of families are dysfunctional, and what follows from their fucked up behaviour. It's actually really horrifying to witness this, to having to see that I lived amongst this sickness my whole life. I've force myself to see without filters, even what I did wrong to others, and that hurts like hell, because I was once one of them but thought I was "not so bad". I too hated, feasted on others sorrows and weak sides, I too was black, inside and out.
Despite this, the last saturday, I sentn a inquiry to one of my two sisters (the milder one) on facebook. She accepted, and I was carefully optimistic about us at least being able to say hi if we meet at the streets of our town. But then she saw that I put her under a filter, so she couldn't see everything in my groups, and of course she shut me of with the Words "If I can't move on your fb like I want to, you have nothing to offer me. So now You know".
I became icecold inside, totally blanc. My thought with the filter was just that, that I wanted us to start of carefully, and of course I didn't want her to get "the whole me" to dig around in just like that. I should mention that she did the same to me a couple of years ago, for something she thought I said about her that weren't true (did she ask me first? No...) So, if it is ok for her, it should be ok for me, but no, no no. I replied to her that it was unfortunate that she didn't say something to me first, before cutting me off. I wanted to say so much more to her..... but this is what I didn't write: I'm sorry, please forgive me, please accept me, please talk to me, see me as I am....
That is was she is used to, me begging. But not anymore. I was very pleased that that thought didn't even cross my mind. The feeling and thought that did cross my mind, however, was how right my earlier absence actually was. It's still on their demands, not ever mine. But I didn't throw that in her face like I first wanted to, I wrote nothing more and closed the conversation.
This is my receipt on my prosperity that I've had, despite the hurt the therapy had caused me.
Yes, I am angry, sad, ashamed and hurt. But this shows just what I already knew, that we should have no contact at all.
For those of you who read my other blog, I think you will understand a bit more.




The inference of all this is - stand your freaking ground, belive that what you feel in your deepest soul and heart is real no matter what others tell you. Do good to others, but only if they do good to you, and do NOT hesitate to leave, that's the best you can do loved. And allow your self to feel love.