Just let me sleep

Even though I've come pretty far on my journey to feel better, I sometimes fall into old patterns again. Without even noticing actually..
The last two weeks, I've winded myself up to the level where I have troubles getting to sleep, have no feelings of hunger, and run forward like a bulldozer here at home.
Yesterday I just stopped in the middle of it all and almost slapped myself when I finally saw what I was doing.


First, I got frustrated, then sad, then tired, then determined to make it stop.
Through out the last year, I've worked out a kind of checklist to get to the bottom with my behavior as soon as possible. It looks something like this (and is measured during three days):


-Have I eaten? (When and what did I eat, and how?)
-Have I slept? (When, how much, continuously?)
-Showered?
-Been outside in broad daylight?
-Exercised?


When I am a bit of a mess, all of the above is out of balance. And they mostly work depending on each other.
So, where do I start when I want to correct it all before it goes even further down the line?


If I look at this now, during these weeks, it would probably be like this:
-I've eaten in a hurry (because of our youngest, he's a handfull right now). And when I've been eating, I'm always stressed out, so I tend to eat fast carbs, like bread and pasta (my body really dislikes gluten, too bad...) and candy more often than usually. So, my stomach is angry with me.
-Sleep. Hm... My beloved husband is down with a nasty cold. This means he snores and coughes - a lot. Our toddler also got this virus, so he sleeps every now and then during the day and night. No pattern at all. So my sleep is out of order. Big time.
-Shower, getting outdoors and maybe do my exercises, well.. Ok, that part I do , not least because our dog needs her time in the woods.
So today I've been pretty hard on my family, but I refuse to have a guilty conscious about that.
I demanded to get to eat my breakfast properly (my oldest had to take care of baby toddler for ten sweaty minutes), I took a longer walk with our dog than I usually do, and we all ate dinner (even though I get to eat after hubs, so we can take turns in watching the baby who is not at all cooperative while at the dinner table at the moment) and no one was allowed to rush through it just to get away from the table and back to the computer.
Yei for me!
This night, I even demanded to have the bedroom all by myself, and the baby. As long as my man is having this cold (and snores like I don't know what), I think it's in order for him to sleep in the guestroom. Either that, or I'll have to punch him several times at night, and that I really don't want to do. Nor do I want to get frustrated and angry at him over this. Completely unnecessary if we can avoid it.


I can really recommend you all to make a list like this, I think it helps most of the time.
Make room for columns marked Problem, Cause and Solution. Just try for a while, Hope it works as good for you as it does for me.

A really beautiful week

This week my kids have had a week off from school, called sports break. For over a year now we have talked about travelling up north, to the snowy mountains and ski for a couple of days, and now we finally did.
My oldest stayed at come though, infected toes, tired after everything in school (it's been a whole lot for him this year since it's his final year at senior and all), so he badly needed to be just by himself for some days. Hard for me not to have my whole family gathered, but I have to let him choose what's best for him without interfering. And when we came back home, he was really relaxed and happy. So... it was right not to force him, although I felt like I was kind of a bad mom for letting him stay at home all by himself. "Cut the cord mooom!"


For myself, I can only say that I (regardless my kids and husband) needed the change more than I could ever imagine. Blessed be my mother in law who took care of our youngest while we went skiing every day.
She and her husband also went with us up north. Although I can be a bit grumpy if not left alone, I really love these two. Truly they are the best parents in law one could have. Always there, always helpful, caring, no arguing ever (not with us or by them self), calm, down to earth.. Simply the best there is!
I've had troubles trusting them, but that's on my table, not theirs. I have troubles trusting almost anyone, but these last years I think I'm learning that some people can be nice and true and, above all, to be counted on for sure.


I always draw parallels to my own parents when I meet my friends (or earlier partners) parents. It hurts a whole lot not to have the unconditional love that I see others getting from their mothers and fathers. It hurts to see how they talk and act around each other, how they trust, laugh, and relax in each others company. But the pain is softening up a bit, even if its a slow process.
Earlier, I had quite big troubles handling this life that I saw others share. Without wanting it, I could get overwhelming feelings of hatred or just feelings of a black hole in my heart. I could actually even get sick to my stomach when my friends hugged their mothers.
Earlier on, if I could, I chose to avoid these situations just to keep some of the love for my friends intact. As I said, I couldn't control the hatred, it even made me prefer loneliness most times to be honest. But I've worked hard on that part as well. Now, I can accept that others really love their moms, without me getting hysterically sad or angry. It might sound crazy to have those feelings, but if you always feel ashamed (shame is one dangerous feeling), neglected and hated, that's the way it goes sometimes..


It is a big step for me, both to put fear aside and trust, and not less to let others like and care for me as well.
The thing is, I kind of have to trust at least my husbands family. I made a promise to myself when we became serious that I would try force my stubborn guard down, but still not lay flat and let myself be treaded on. A very thin string to balance on, that one. But I'm slowly getting there!


So. Tired legs, deep thoughts, a suntan á la cliffhanger, a calmer, stronger soul and a couple of bruises will summon up a really nice week. <3

Narcissistic mothers - just put them on a distant island please

Last time I wrote here, my journey back to work through a rehabteam was about to take off.
Well. Not surprisingly, it's going to take some time. Not in the way I expected, but due to failure of the rehabs computersystem. They have a heavy bug in the system, and I'm one of all who can't get my case started because of this.
It's not really the biggest deal, could be far worse of course. But I so wanted to get started! Now I'll just have to be patience for yet another week.




Meanwhile I read and write if time's given. A week ago a friend of mine sent me this book called "You're not crazy, it's your mother". http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/youre-not-crazy-book/


Without hesitation, this book have saved me in so many ways. Of course a lot of my 3-year long therapy has helped me see this thing about my childhood (and sc mother) clearly, but this book summons up just about all of it. And - it gives tools and terms that puts it all in place.
Just to get to read that you are not alone, not the only one with a narcissistic mother, and that it exists a actual word for her condition, imagine the tears I shed while reading! I'm just sad I didn't get to read this book sooner in life!
And the author writes really well according to me. Easy to understand, easy to relate to, easy to take to your heart, honest and clear. Go ahead and read it!
One of the things that I have to struggle with because of the traumas (traumas is actually a weak word compared to what really took place) through my childhood and teenage years is something called dissociation syndrome. More about that here for those of you who want to read a bit about it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Being cut of from your feelings isn't functional at all, even if it's saved my sanity through all this.
And now, working so hard to be able to feel properly again, is really tiring, but its also worth every moment of suffering and agony.


As I said earlier - my psychodynamic therapy has helped me heal a lot, but some days I struggle more than hard to get my mind around all that's happened and where I ended up because of it. There are still days that I actually strongly believe in (and hear in my ears) my mothers words "You are retarded, you're never going to be normal like your sisters. Shame on you, why must you put me through this??"


It took me about twenty years to understand that I am completely not-retarded, that I actually am pretty smart. When I did the big psychiatric evaluation on personality disorders etc, the only thing they did find was my 'repeated depressions caused by childhood traumas', and the fact that I'm above normal in IQ. Actually, far over the limit. So that too helped me realize that I am not stupid. Bam!


One of the thoughts my therapist has repeated many times over is "If your mother thought that you actually was retarded or mentally ill, why didn't she seek help? Why did she treat you the way she did?"
And that is a really good question.
One of the answers is revealed in the term Narcissistic parents. Yes.
Because as long as my mother had this strange, wicked child, all lights were on her. On her as a struggling, desperate, caring mother. An oh the attention she could seek from having this troubled child! She could talk for hours and hours about how she could help me, what roads she had to go down to keep herself together. That her daughter were scared to life and badly beaten and sexually abused for many years, she didn't mention. Of course. Go figure...
Once again, if any of this rings a bell in your soul, please read more about this kind of sick parents.


//Love and strength to all you brave warriors out there!