I'm so mad and heartbroken I could scream (and yes, I raised my voice a tiny bit this morning actually).
Here in our small town, we have a middlesized H&M (store for clothing). Once in awhile they have so called VIP events, where those who are members in Hennes club can go and eat a light breakfast (sandwish and coffee) and shop with 20% off in the store. A really nice event.
Or, at least I thought so when we went this morning...
As I stood amongst the hangers and clothes there, with coffe in my hand, I overheard the female entre host (she usually work in this store as well, and I've never liked her, but what I'm about to write takes the fucking prize anyday). She suddenly raised her voice and started to talk as to a deaf person, and I looked over to see what on earth she was doing.
I saw a woman, dark skinned, with headscarf, my guess is she's eritrean. The hostess wouldn't let her in (she actually yelled stop, hello, no, no to her before she even knew who this customer was) while she explained (still with that very unpleasant tone in her voice) that this was an event solely for H&M:s club members.
The customer said with low voice that she was, and got a "So, you'll have to announce your visit here today! If you're not on my list here, you wont get any free breakfast." Tone sharp, eyes wide open and mean. Well. She was on the list, it turned out. Still, the hostess wouldn't back down.
"Ok, but you only have five minutes left" she shouted after her down the aisle.
After this african woman, two small, blond ladies walked in. And guess what?
"Oh hello hello! Running a bit late now dears, hurry up! Breakfast is down this aisle, near gentlemens department." This said with a nice tone of voice, and a cute face.
Blaargh!! I throw up on the inside over these people. Aren't they ashamed to be alive?? I do NOT want to share my air with them, not at all.
Fortunately, this is just one of the girls in this store. But that is one too many already!
Her boss has now been notified, and I won't shop there again until that bitch leaves. AMEN.
tisdag
When opportunity knocks
Last Friday, it was decided and all clear that I'm going to lead evening courses! I couldn't possibly be more exited, although a little nervous of course. We (I and the company wich hired me to do this) decided to start off with five occasions, just to feel the pulse a bit. That suits me fine, not too much preassure.
The topic?
How you work with yourself to get back to a decent life from being burnt out.
That is a thing I know about really well, since I've been there two times by now. The last time it nearly took my life before I realized how bad I really was, and if I can only get through to just one person and stop them before they end up in that hell, I think it'll be so worth it.
I'm on my fourth year in slowly coming back to life, and now is the first time I can breath and feel ok again for most of my time. Of course (as you all have read in this blog) I fight and battle with a lot of things, almost daily, and I might never come to ease with exactly everything. But I'm slowly, slowly working my way forward, and away from the earlier darkness that wanted to suck me right down to hell once more.
Unfortunately, I have began having panicattacks again. Damn, it was almost eighteen years ago since the last one, and I don't have to tell you that they are not welcome, right? I hate their guts so badly, but I deal with them as much as I possibly have the strength to. I know perfectly well where all of this sh*t is coming from, but I don't exactly know how to avoid it. Guess time will tell, but I'm not planning on letting these attacks rule my life forever.
Well. This teaching thing is coming to me in the right moment, especially now when I feel low. If others have this confidence in me, I will have to have that too.
I never ever thought that I would teach again, but here I am, looking forward to it all. The planning of this course is by me alone, I get free hands to plan the most of it, but my upcoming "boss" is the one with the last word on my plans. It feels very nice to not have to take care of it all completely by myself this time (I'm fairly used to do exactly every little detail by myself, always...)
So far, I just have a basic plan with all, but I very well know in wich direction I want it all to travel. And most of all - the people attending this is very interested, eager to learn and has a good variety of ages amongst them. Just lovely!
One other thing that feels great at the moment is that I have gained some confidence in my scills once again. Long time no seen... I know that I'm good at teaching, I know that I'm good with people (although I prefer not to be around others all that much in private), and most of all - I know I can help others dealing with the same hell that I've gone through.
This is just a short update on my life at the moment, more to come later.
See ya <3
The topic?
How you work with yourself to get back to a decent life from being burnt out.
That is a thing I know about really well, since I've been there two times by now. The last time it nearly took my life before I realized how bad I really was, and if I can only get through to just one person and stop them before they end up in that hell, I think it'll be so worth it.
I'm on my fourth year in slowly coming back to life, and now is the first time I can breath and feel ok again for most of my time. Of course (as you all have read in this blog) I fight and battle with a lot of things, almost daily, and I might never come to ease with exactly everything. But I'm slowly, slowly working my way forward, and away from the earlier darkness that wanted to suck me right down to hell once more.
Unfortunately, I have began having panicattacks again. Damn, it was almost eighteen years ago since the last one, and I don't have to tell you that they are not welcome, right? I hate their guts so badly, but I deal with them as much as I possibly have the strength to. I know perfectly well where all of this sh*t is coming from, but I don't exactly know how to avoid it. Guess time will tell, but I'm not planning on letting these attacks rule my life forever.
Well. This teaching thing is coming to me in the right moment, especially now when I feel low. If others have this confidence in me, I will have to have that too.
I never ever thought that I would teach again, but here I am, looking forward to it all. The planning of this course is by me alone, I get free hands to plan the most of it, but my upcoming "boss" is the one with the last word on my plans. It feels very nice to not have to take care of it all completely by myself this time (I'm fairly used to do exactly every little detail by myself, always...)
So far, I just have a basic plan with all, but I very well know in wich direction I want it all to travel. And most of all - the people attending this is very interested, eager to learn and has a good variety of ages amongst them. Just lovely!
One other thing that feels great at the moment is that I have gained some confidence in my scills once again. Long time no seen... I know that I'm good at teaching, I know that I'm good with people (although I prefer not to be around others all that much in private), and most of all - I know I can help others dealing with the same hell that I've gone through.
This is just a short update on my life at the moment, more to come later.
See ya <3
Time to enjoy life
The sun is shining through the curtains. It's early morning, and I wake up with just a light headache.
In about two hours I have an appointment with my chiropractor, so I boost myself with a good amount of coffee. I'm always a bit scared when I go to him. Not scared of him, but for the pain he causes me while I lay there getting my neck and back cracked.
Today he was pretty kind on me. Sure, he gave me a good dose of pain, but in a good way. Everytime I leave there, I'm so grateful to be able to take deep breaths again, and move my neck (and head!) Earlier, I haven't been so good at looking after myself, but I'm getting better and better at it.
When You are taught to always care about others in the first place, it'll probably take some serious efforts to balance everything right. Caring about yourself doesn't feel kind, maybe it also feels very, very awkward. Maybe you've been called egoistic, naive or stupid the times you've tried earlier in your life. So, selflove isn't natural to you. But it can be!
I've worked so hard on this for several years now, and it finally starts to give results. It's a balancing act all the way - how much should you care about yourself? How often is it ok to actually say no? How do you avoid being too absorbed in your own? How do you care enough about others?
Everyone has their own limits, and should get to know them in every way they can. What is right for me might not be ok or even possible for you. Here's examples of how I did it (and still am...):
-Right now I'm thural about taking time to myself. For me, as a mother of four and a husband on the autistic spectra, it is absoultely a question about survival (mental survival most of all). It can be as simple as getting a box of sushi and going out in a park to enjoy it in silence, it can be a coffe from McDonalds' in the car at the trainstations parkinglot, it can be just sitting at the library with my nose in some magazines. The important thing here is that I am all by myself. No friends, no pets, nobody but just me. In silence. And this - no cellphone!
-Before my husband came into my life, I used to take long walks in the Woods. Often with a small lunch in the backpacker, and maybe a book. My oldest sons don't have a father (he isn't dead, he's just moved to another country and never were heard from again, but that's yet another story), so they're always at home with me. Here I can tell you that it was, in the beginning, extremely hard for me to just "be egoistic" and (for example) not buy anything for them when I bought some treats for just me, or make up for the two hours I left the house... Guilty consious de lux, yepp.
-I don't usually buy so much stuff at all, if I really don't need it. But every now and then, I buy a book or some pencils that I really want (even though I have a good amount of pencils already), or I buy a new piece of clothing (outlet often), and I try not to buy anything for anybody else in our family.
No, my kids do not run around naked or in rags. But I give them an amount every other month to buy clothes, shoes or what they need, so they are good there. I'm just trying to teach myself that I am worthy of a little selflove and being spoiled too from time to time.
Those of you who have kids know very well what I'm aiming at, right? To take time to myself has become necessary to be able to stand up for a whole week. The time I give to myself is giving me so much more energy to be a better mom, wife and friend. If everything at home is taken care of in the best of ways, I really think I deserve an hour at least just sipping tea or coffee, reading my book.
Because, frankly, the dishes will wait for me (if my loved isn't doing them), and there will always be clothes left to wash. So, time alone is time well invested in the long run.
This hasn't been easy at all. In the beginning, all I heard in my head (altohough I just grabbed a coffe to go on my way to kindergarden) was how lousy I were to spoil my self with just that coffee. Why should I? But the result was that I really couldn't enjoy my coffee at all, and that was a waste if any. Buy coffee just to throw it away out of guilt.... Go me....
By now I always repeat in my head, as a kind of mantra "It's my right to enjoy this coffee, it's my right to take deep breaths, it's my right to...." You get it?
So. Go out there and demand at least one hour (two if possible, that's how long it takes for your body to calm down) maybe two times a week. Everybody will benefit from it in the long run! <3
In about two hours I have an appointment with my chiropractor, so I boost myself with a good amount of coffee. I'm always a bit scared when I go to him. Not scared of him, but for the pain he causes me while I lay there getting my neck and back cracked.
Today he was pretty kind on me. Sure, he gave me a good dose of pain, but in a good way. Everytime I leave there, I'm so grateful to be able to take deep breaths again, and move my neck (and head!) Earlier, I haven't been so good at looking after myself, but I'm getting better and better at it.
When You are taught to always care about others in the first place, it'll probably take some serious efforts to balance everything right. Caring about yourself doesn't feel kind, maybe it also feels very, very awkward. Maybe you've been called egoistic, naive or stupid the times you've tried earlier in your life. So, selflove isn't natural to you. But it can be!
I've worked so hard on this for several years now, and it finally starts to give results. It's a balancing act all the way - how much should you care about yourself? How often is it ok to actually say no? How do you avoid being too absorbed in your own? How do you care enough about others?
Everyone has their own limits, and should get to know them in every way they can. What is right for me might not be ok or even possible for you. Here's examples of how I did it (and still am...):
-Right now I'm thural about taking time to myself. For me, as a mother of four and a husband on the autistic spectra, it is absoultely a question about survival (mental survival most of all). It can be as simple as getting a box of sushi and going out in a park to enjoy it in silence, it can be a coffe from McDonalds' in the car at the trainstations parkinglot, it can be just sitting at the library with my nose in some magazines. The important thing here is that I am all by myself. No friends, no pets, nobody but just me. In silence. And this - no cellphone!
-Before my husband came into my life, I used to take long walks in the Woods. Often with a small lunch in the backpacker, and maybe a book. My oldest sons don't have a father (he isn't dead, he's just moved to another country and never were heard from again, but that's yet another story), so they're always at home with me. Here I can tell you that it was, in the beginning, extremely hard for me to just "be egoistic" and (for example) not buy anything for them when I bought some treats for just me, or make up for the two hours I left the house... Guilty consious de lux, yepp.
-I don't usually buy so much stuff at all, if I really don't need it. But every now and then, I buy a book or some pencils that I really want (even though I have a good amount of pencils already), or I buy a new piece of clothing (outlet often), and I try not to buy anything for anybody else in our family.
No, my kids do not run around naked or in rags. But I give them an amount every other month to buy clothes, shoes or what they need, so they are good there. I'm just trying to teach myself that I am worthy of a little selflove and being spoiled too from time to time.
Those of you who have kids know very well what I'm aiming at, right? To take time to myself has become necessary to be able to stand up for a whole week. The time I give to myself is giving me so much more energy to be a better mom, wife and friend. If everything at home is taken care of in the best of ways, I really think I deserve an hour at least just sipping tea or coffee, reading my book.
Because, frankly, the dishes will wait for me (if my loved isn't doing them), and there will always be clothes left to wash. So, time alone is time well invested in the long run.
This hasn't been easy at all. In the beginning, all I heard in my head (altohough I just grabbed a coffe to go on my way to kindergarden) was how lousy I were to spoil my self with just that coffee. Why should I? But the result was that I really couldn't enjoy my coffee at all, and that was a waste if any. Buy coffee just to throw it away out of guilt.... Go me....
By now I always repeat in my head, as a kind of mantra "It's my right to enjoy this coffee, it's my right to take deep breaths, it's my right to...." You get it?
So. Go out there and demand at least one hour (two if possible, that's how long it takes for your body to calm down) maybe two times a week. Everybody will benefit from it in the long run! <3
lördag
This thing called guilty consious
I'm a parent of four. Four boys in ninteens years, and they are my teachers, guides, sweethearts and biggest inspiration. I often wonder where I would have been if they hadn't come into my life, but one thing is sure - I wouldn't have been the person that I am today.
Having children is a huge step in life. Like any other, I didn't relize how big of a thing that was, until I had my first son nineteen years ago. Beeing me, with the childhood that I've had, it struck me then, and still strikes me every day, how people can have children and still behave like idiots, how people can have children and treat them like garbage (or worse). I was overwhealmed by all the love and the feelings of protection I felt -and still feel- towards my children. Of course I've not been the perfect parent at all times, I too must learn. But I have never in their life hit them, humiliated them or not taken their side when they needed it.
Others have called me a too strict parent from time to time, but I am certain of the fact that children needs clear lines and promises not broken of any kind. If they have missbehaved and I have told them that the weekend candy is off if they do, I stand my ground. No, I don't think that's being hard on them, I think (and now know for sure) that that kind of behaviour from me actually gives them a safe ground to stand on. I have never threatened to beat them up, ever. I have never punished them like I was punished, and I have always been there for them.
Even when I hit the wall four years ago, I was still there for my kids. That was actually the only thing I could hold on to at that time in my life. So I thank every god that I have my kids. Without them I'm empty.
When my second son was born, I had grown a big guilty consious around pretty much everything. I was never good enough of a mother, wife or anything, I could always have done more than I did, etc etc. So one day, it just popped into my head - I'm freaking doing the very best I can. Yes.
Right then and there I understood fully how much having this guilt clinging on to me the whole time took so much of my energy away. Strange that I hadn't noticed this earlier though.
I personally think much guilt came from the need to be better than my own mother, that and the fact that we (my husband and I) were young parents. I wanted to prove that I was just as good as all the other mothers around us, I wanted to prove to my mother in law that I could take care of our family despite what she gossips about with her friends, I wanted everybody to see how good I was. No preassure....
Stupid, silly me. Why couldn't I just relax and be satisfied with me doing what I could? So much time feeling like a failure. Time lost, never coming back.
Of course I'm grateful now that it sooner or later got into my head, that part regarding having a permanent guilt in my heart. Actually, how bad things have gotten in my life during the years, I have always tried to rest in just that - I do the best I can, I am the best I can be at the moment.
Also, having kids of course have made me analyze even more about my own family. It has been a very long and hard road. To accept that I was treated and bullied amongst my own is hurtful. Even more hurtful because I now have a family of my own to compare everything against.
Come to think of it, getting children have probably even helped heal me in a way, because now I know that I'm a good person. Finally. And that I am human after all. A human being with feelings, faults and good sides, strenghts and spots of dirt. And that's ok, I'm ok.
By now I'm a bit over fourty, and I don't have even a tiny bit of guilt in me. Ok, if you count the times I let the family have take'out food or buy a thing that we don't really need, ok.... But I mean guilt over being a not good enough person, because I know I am.
Having children is a huge step in life. Like any other, I didn't relize how big of a thing that was, until I had my first son nineteen years ago. Beeing me, with the childhood that I've had, it struck me then, and still strikes me every day, how people can have children and still behave like idiots, how people can have children and treat them like garbage (or worse). I was overwhealmed by all the love and the feelings of protection I felt -and still feel- towards my children. Of course I've not been the perfect parent at all times, I too must learn. But I have never in their life hit them, humiliated them or not taken their side when they needed it.
Others have called me a too strict parent from time to time, but I am certain of the fact that children needs clear lines and promises not broken of any kind. If they have missbehaved and I have told them that the weekend candy is off if they do, I stand my ground. No, I don't think that's being hard on them, I think (and now know for sure) that that kind of behaviour from me actually gives them a safe ground to stand on. I have never threatened to beat them up, ever. I have never punished them like I was punished, and I have always been there for them.
Even when I hit the wall four years ago, I was still there for my kids. That was actually the only thing I could hold on to at that time in my life. So I thank every god that I have my kids. Without them I'm empty.
When my second son was born, I had grown a big guilty consious around pretty much everything. I was never good enough of a mother, wife or anything, I could always have done more than I did, etc etc. So one day, it just popped into my head - I'm freaking doing the very best I can. Yes.
Right then and there I understood fully how much having this guilt clinging on to me the whole time took so much of my energy away. Strange that I hadn't noticed this earlier though.
I personally think much guilt came from the need to be better than my own mother, that and the fact that we (my husband and I) were young parents. I wanted to prove that I was just as good as all the other mothers around us, I wanted to prove to my mother in law that I could take care of our family despite what she gossips about with her friends, I wanted everybody to see how good I was. No preassure....
Stupid, silly me. Why couldn't I just relax and be satisfied with me doing what I could? So much time feeling like a failure. Time lost, never coming back.
Of course I'm grateful now that it sooner or later got into my head, that part regarding having a permanent guilt in my heart. Actually, how bad things have gotten in my life during the years, I have always tried to rest in just that - I do the best I can, I am the best I can be at the moment.
Also, having kids of course have made me analyze even more about my own family. It has been a very long and hard road. To accept that I was treated and bullied amongst my own is hurtful. Even more hurtful because I now have a family of my own to compare everything against.
Come to think of it, getting children have probably even helped heal me in a way, because now I know that I'm a good person. Finally. And that I am human after all. A human being with feelings, faults and good sides, strenghts and spots of dirt. And that's ok, I'm ok.
By now I'm a bit over fourty, and I don't have even a tiny bit of guilt in me. Ok, if you count the times I let the family have take'out food or buy a thing that we don't really need, ok.... But I mean guilt over being a not good enough person, because I know I am.
fredag
When the views change for the better
Suddenly it strikes you out of nowhere. Suddenly it's clear, chrystal clear. You never expected it at all, but here it is - a brand new way of looking at things. Just like that.
Most of you have had a moment or more like this, I'm sure of that. And it's always so welcome!
This happened to me just yesterday. In my earlier post, I wrote about my sister and a bit about our hurtful, broken realtionship. Since the facebook thing, I've been (as always) through multiple thoughts and feelings.
I pretty much end up with the same results as always - I'm worthless, not good enough for their company, and most of all: They hate me and the person that I am. And that hurts a lot. Never in my life (although I really wanted to) have I been able to see things differently than what I've been fed with from early childhood. My family (mostly my mother that would be) is ashamed of me, I'm always wrong (even when I'm right) and I can do no good to anybody. If I'm nice - I'm after something. If I'm bad - well, they knew that I could never behave anyways. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what.
So, what do you do, and what do you answer to that? Really?
What never struck me in the depth of my heart was this: Maybe I'm not the "bad guy" here. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the good one, the one that sees the truth and actually refuse to settle with the lies. Maybe I was that child that had the strength not to give in to their darkness (but it was a hard struggle to stand out and make protests like I did), and maybe they are the ones that should be ashamed. If any.
Not me. Ever.
But now I see things in a different light. Eariler, when we were younger, I could never understand why my sister wasn't treated so good by some of her friends. I could only feel so very sorry for her about that. For me she was the perfect girl, mom said so over and over again (and how not perfect I was on the other hand, she never sat out a chance to tell me so). Later on, in our teens, I couldn't understand why my sister rated every guy that wasn't so good looking, rich or popular etc etc. But of course she did the right thing by humiliating the boys that lost their heart to her. They were to much geek, wore to ugly glasses, didnt' have the right clothing... They never were good enough for her. But that too was completely right.
She seldom had nice things to say about her classmates. They were too stuck up, they were given the evil eye (who did they think they were - princesses??) if they had nicer clothing or a beatiful hairdo.
And mother fed her (and us all) with more and more envy and jealousy. At the age of nineteen we were fully hatfull teens with not much good to say about anyone that were good looking, rich or had things we didn't have or couldn't get.
At my sisters first employment, they didn't like her. Missunderstood, something is very wrong with those coworkers, of course.
At my sisters second job, she didn't get along with the others either, but she hung in there until she found a new place. But oh the crap I had to hear every day about the others at her work. It never came to an end, ever.
Not even then I could think from a different angle, and see that it was actually my own sister that was the troublemaker and bully. Because she was perfect, still. Everyone seemed to think so. Exept for the ones she didn't get along with. But that was their own fault of course.
A good friend of mine pointed out just yesterday, that my sisters never had anything good to say about me or/and my friends of choise either. I listened to that with half an ear, but when I got home later that evening, that was when it all struck me like sharp lightning.
I have been led to believe that I can't love or enjoy others. And that I am unable to make others happy, that I destroy everyone elses joy. That I hate animals and children, that I can't take care of anything, that my friends are loosers.... You name it.
As I walked through the forest, with my dog, I just thought "When did I ever hear them say a nice word about anybody? Really? When was the last time they all said something nice to or about anyone around us?" Considering it has been a good six years since I spoke to them, I had to think really hard before I could answer my own questions here.
Never. I. Have. Never. Heard. A. Single. Nice. Word. About. Others.
Talk about hallelulja moment. Plopp. Just like that.
When I broke up with my family, it took a couple of years before I could honestly say (and mean it) that another girl was beautiful, smart or funny. But as soon as I began using those words more and more, I also began to feel happier. When I wasn't starring myself blind on others faults and problems, I actually began to move forward inside myself.
I have never questioned why it felt so strangely good to say nice things about others until now. I never thought so deeply about it. Maybe it sounds strange, but that's the way it was.
Every time I said warm words to a person, I felt (and still feels) like I invented something brand new, that's the closest to an explanation I can give you.
And still, through all these years, I have clung onto that feeling that my sister was the good one of us, when that wasn't really the whole truth.
If she was that nice, why would there always be a fight or bad feelings where ever she went?
And all the times when people asked where my name comes from and if I'm related to the others with the same name here... When I say yes to that question, people tend to look at me with a bit of.... hm... deprecation in their eyes.
I have always thought that must be because of what they've heard about me, but now I discovered that isn't really the case. My family isn't popular because of all the hurt they've spread around here in our town. They're not liked because of the lies, the bad behaviours and exploitation of others.
It has never been me. I have fooled myself to believe that everyone must know how bad of a person I am, and therefor react by that. It never came to my mind that I have almost never hurt another human here (if you don't count the times I've called of relationships in my teens etc). The times (and there are many, although I do not want to admit it) when people give me hugs just out on the street cause it's been long since they saw me, the times that I meet happy faces and smiles, the times when people come to my house for a chit chat and coffe, well... It never occured to me that these people actually like me. Me. I'm not impopular, but I sure as hell has made myself believe that. Until now.
But now it stops. Because once the truth is ut in the light, it can't be covered no more.
So. Belive in your own good <3
Most of you have had a moment or more like this, I'm sure of that. And it's always so welcome!
This happened to me just yesterday. In my earlier post, I wrote about my sister and a bit about our hurtful, broken realtionship. Since the facebook thing, I've been (as always) through multiple thoughts and feelings.
I pretty much end up with the same results as always - I'm worthless, not good enough for their company, and most of all: They hate me and the person that I am. And that hurts a lot. Never in my life (although I really wanted to) have I been able to see things differently than what I've been fed with from early childhood. My family (mostly my mother that would be) is ashamed of me, I'm always wrong (even when I'm right) and I can do no good to anybody. If I'm nice - I'm after something. If I'm bad - well, they knew that I could never behave anyways. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what.
So, what do you do, and what do you answer to that? Really?
What never struck me in the depth of my heart was this: Maybe I'm not the "bad guy" here. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the good one, the one that sees the truth and actually refuse to settle with the lies. Maybe I was that child that had the strength not to give in to their darkness (but it was a hard struggle to stand out and make protests like I did), and maybe they are the ones that should be ashamed. If any.
Not me. Ever.
But now I see things in a different light. Eariler, when we were younger, I could never understand why my sister wasn't treated so good by some of her friends. I could only feel so very sorry for her about that. For me she was the perfect girl, mom said so over and over again (and how not perfect I was on the other hand, she never sat out a chance to tell me so). Later on, in our teens, I couldn't understand why my sister rated every guy that wasn't so good looking, rich or popular etc etc. But of course she did the right thing by humiliating the boys that lost their heart to her. They were to much geek, wore to ugly glasses, didnt' have the right clothing... They never were good enough for her. But that too was completely right.
She seldom had nice things to say about her classmates. They were too stuck up, they were given the evil eye (who did they think they were - princesses??) if they had nicer clothing or a beatiful hairdo.
And mother fed her (and us all) with more and more envy and jealousy. At the age of nineteen we were fully hatfull teens with not much good to say about anyone that were good looking, rich or had things we didn't have or couldn't get.
At my sisters first employment, they didn't like her. Missunderstood, something is very wrong with those coworkers, of course.
At my sisters second job, she didn't get along with the others either, but she hung in there until she found a new place. But oh the crap I had to hear every day about the others at her work. It never came to an end, ever.
Not even then I could think from a different angle, and see that it was actually my own sister that was the troublemaker and bully. Because she was perfect, still. Everyone seemed to think so. Exept for the ones she didn't get along with. But that was their own fault of course.
A good friend of mine pointed out just yesterday, that my sisters never had anything good to say about me or/and my friends of choise either. I listened to that with half an ear, but when I got home later that evening, that was when it all struck me like sharp lightning.
I have been led to believe that I can't love or enjoy others. And that I am unable to make others happy, that I destroy everyone elses joy. That I hate animals and children, that I can't take care of anything, that my friends are loosers.... You name it.
As I walked through the forest, with my dog, I just thought "When did I ever hear them say a nice word about anybody? Really? When was the last time they all said something nice to or about anyone around us?" Considering it has been a good six years since I spoke to them, I had to think really hard before I could answer my own questions here.
Never. I. Have. Never. Heard. A. Single. Nice. Word. About. Others.
Talk about hallelulja moment. Plopp. Just like that.
When I broke up with my family, it took a couple of years before I could honestly say (and mean it) that another girl was beautiful, smart or funny. But as soon as I began using those words more and more, I also began to feel happier. When I wasn't starring myself blind on others faults and problems, I actually began to move forward inside myself.
I have never questioned why it felt so strangely good to say nice things about others until now. I never thought so deeply about it. Maybe it sounds strange, but that's the way it was.
Every time I said warm words to a person, I felt (and still feels) like I invented something brand new, that's the closest to an explanation I can give you.
And still, through all these years, I have clung onto that feeling that my sister was the good one of us, when that wasn't really the whole truth.
If she was that nice, why would there always be a fight or bad feelings where ever she went?
And all the times when people asked where my name comes from and if I'm related to the others with the same name here... When I say yes to that question, people tend to look at me with a bit of.... hm... deprecation in their eyes.
I have always thought that must be because of what they've heard about me, but now I discovered that isn't really the case. My family isn't popular because of all the hurt they've spread around here in our town. They're not liked because of the lies, the bad behaviours and exploitation of others.
It has never been me. I have fooled myself to believe that everyone must know how bad of a person I am, and therefor react by that. It never came to my mind that I have almost never hurt another human here (if you don't count the times I've called of relationships in my teens etc). The times (and there are many, although I do not want to admit it) when people give me hugs just out on the street cause it's been long since they saw me, the times that I meet happy faces and smiles, the times when people come to my house for a chit chat and coffe, well... It never occured to me that these people actually like me. Me. I'm not impopular, but I sure as hell has made myself believe that. Until now.
But now it stops. Because once the truth is ut in the light, it can't be covered no more.
So. Belive in your own good <3
tisdag
Goodbye relatives
Although I'm not the very best at updating this blog, sorry for that, I'm still here.
Last few weeks has been a roller coaster emotionally (not unusual), but I'm pretty much ok by now.
This year is my third in dynamic psychotherapy. When I began with this therapist, very little hope were given about me ever coming back from the depth of depression. She has really helped me, this one, and I'm now proud to say I begin to feel whole. I never felt that in my life, secure and calm, but now I do most of the time.
(A bit more about my childhood is written at the blog dandelionschild.blogspot.com. I couldn't write more in that place right now, too painful. But I'll catch up with my upcoming book soon enough,).
For many years I strongly believed that a perfect person was never angry, bitter, sad or said ugly things. I measured myself in the lowest of standards every time I got disappointed and therefor sad or angry. Imagine the preassure...Year after year I beat my self up for not being happy, for not trusting blindly, for not understanding shallow relationships etc etc. I was a looser, a failure, a paria.
Now, after this time in therapy, I've come to understand that your'e NOT evil for saying no, not evil for standing your ground or not accepting others bahaviour towards you (and your mind and body). Talk about a new world for me!
Right now, when I finally got hang of it, I feel very much free inside. Free, less stress and more at peace with who I really am. About a year into talking about my childhood, my therapist finally got a clue on who I am and why. And she ultimately gave me the "diagnosis" dissociation. Then the hard work on my soul and mind took of. I have often wondered if it's really worth it in the end, the pain, shame, sorrows and all the other devastating feelings that comes up to my surface during this long process. As for the passed week now, I know for sure that it is totally good, all this. I've come miles from where I started out, and this is why:
I haven't had any contact with my sisters or my mother for about six years now. I chose to cut it all when my grandparents died, once and for all. Before my grandmother died, she actually was very encouraging about me saying goodbye to them all. She thought it was sad that our family is so much of a bitter, nasty freakshow (her words) but she understood very well why I couldn't live like them anymore. One can't go on hating, talking behind backs, always attempting to gather "points" to have hooks on others, not saying hi or even give a cup of sugar to the nabour....
So when I got her sign and blessing, I just waited for her to pass away so that she wouldn't have to witness the war that followed. Actually, I didn't even go to her funural -for many reasons, one was that my mother and sisters very much wanted to give her the cheapest ceremony possible, simplest flowers and coffin, more money left for them from the heritage they said - I throw up on the inside even thinking about that time they said that in our funeral office.
Me, my husband and my kids got our own ceremony with her, thanks to the undertaker. And that was a worthy goodbye for both of our parts.
I sat at her side the last night when she was about to pass away. None of our other family thought it was relevant to be with her then at all. After all that she did her entire life for the others (and she did a lot, believe me), they had absolutely nothing to offer her at her very last hour. Painful to see my own family behaving this way. But not surprising at all. Even then, I couldn't manage to handle these ugly souls, I just cried and begged them to come to their senses, but no.
An hour after I left the hospital, she passed on. None of my relatives called me, I just got a text from my sister the morning after that said "She passed at 02.16, thought you should know".
Nothing more, not a word more. Later on, they accused me of her death that night, because I was the last one who saw her alive. Not the terminal cancer that she fought against was to blame, it was obviously me that caused her death. I (stupidly enough) forgave them for saying that, but of course I was angry. But as granny said - freakshow. I still believed that I had no right to say no to them, that I had no right to demand respect. Silly me. Stupid me.
So, it's been six years now, or maybe seven. The day I took the final descision not to see them as my family anymore, that was the day I was born. Litterally. Through the therapy I have learned how this kind of families are dysfunctional, and what follows from their fucked up behaviour. It's actually really horrifying to witness this, to having to see that I lived amongst this sickness my whole life. I've force myself to see without filters, even what I did wrong to others, and that hurts like hell, because I was once one of them but thought I was "not so bad". I too hated, feasted on others sorrows and weak sides, I too was black, inside and out.
Despite this, the last saturday, I sentn a inquiry to one of my two sisters (the milder one) on facebook. She accepted, and I was carefully optimistic about us at least being able to say hi if we meet at the streets of our town. But then she saw that I put her under a filter, so she couldn't see everything in my groups, and of course she shut me of with the Words "If I can't move on your fb like I want to, you have nothing to offer me. So now You know".
I became icecold inside, totally blanc. My thought with the filter was just that, that I wanted us to start of carefully, and of course I didn't want her to get "the whole me" to dig around in just like that. I should mention that she did the same to me a couple of years ago, for something she thought I said about her that weren't true (did she ask me first? No...) So, if it is ok for her, it should be ok for me, but no, no no. I replied to her that it was unfortunate that she didn't say something to me first, before cutting me off. I wanted to say so much more to her..... but this is what I didn't write: I'm sorry, please forgive me, please accept me, please talk to me, see me as I am....
That is was she is used to, me begging. But not anymore. I was very pleased that that thought didn't even cross my mind. The feeling and thought that did cross my mind, however, was how right my earlier absence actually was. It's still on their demands, not ever mine. But I didn't throw that in her face like I first wanted to, I wrote nothing more and closed the conversation.
This is my receipt on my prosperity that I've had, despite the hurt the therapy had caused me.
Yes, I am angry, sad, ashamed and hurt. But this shows just what I already knew, that we should have no contact at all.
For those of you who read my other blog, I think you will understand a bit more.
The inference of all this is - stand your freaking ground, belive that what you feel in your deepest soul and heart is real no matter what others tell you. Do good to others, but only if they do good to you, and do NOT hesitate to leave, that's the best you can do loved. And allow your self to feel love.
Last few weeks has been a roller coaster emotionally (not unusual), but I'm pretty much ok by now.
This year is my third in dynamic psychotherapy. When I began with this therapist, very little hope were given about me ever coming back from the depth of depression. She has really helped me, this one, and I'm now proud to say I begin to feel whole. I never felt that in my life, secure and calm, but now I do most of the time.
(A bit more about my childhood is written at the blog dandelionschild.blogspot.com. I couldn't write more in that place right now, too painful. But I'll catch up with my upcoming book soon enough,).
For many years I strongly believed that a perfect person was never angry, bitter, sad or said ugly things. I measured myself in the lowest of standards every time I got disappointed and therefor sad or angry. Imagine the preassure...Year after year I beat my self up for not being happy, for not trusting blindly, for not understanding shallow relationships etc etc. I was a looser, a failure, a paria.
Now, after this time in therapy, I've come to understand that your'e NOT evil for saying no, not evil for standing your ground or not accepting others bahaviour towards you (and your mind and body). Talk about a new world for me!
Right now, when I finally got hang of it, I feel very much free inside. Free, less stress and more at peace with who I really am. About a year into talking about my childhood, my therapist finally got a clue on who I am and why. And she ultimately gave me the "diagnosis" dissociation. Then the hard work on my soul and mind took of. I have often wondered if it's really worth it in the end, the pain, shame, sorrows and all the other devastating feelings that comes up to my surface during this long process. As for the passed week now, I know for sure that it is totally good, all this. I've come miles from where I started out, and this is why:
I haven't had any contact with my sisters or my mother for about six years now. I chose to cut it all when my grandparents died, once and for all. Before my grandmother died, she actually was very encouraging about me saying goodbye to them all. She thought it was sad that our family is so much of a bitter, nasty freakshow (her words) but she understood very well why I couldn't live like them anymore. One can't go on hating, talking behind backs, always attempting to gather "points" to have hooks on others, not saying hi or even give a cup of sugar to the nabour....
So when I got her sign and blessing, I just waited for her to pass away so that she wouldn't have to witness the war that followed. Actually, I didn't even go to her funural -for many reasons, one was that my mother and sisters very much wanted to give her the cheapest ceremony possible, simplest flowers and coffin, more money left for them from the heritage they said - I throw up on the inside even thinking about that time they said that in our funeral office.
Me, my husband and my kids got our own ceremony with her, thanks to the undertaker. And that was a worthy goodbye for both of our parts.
I sat at her side the last night when she was about to pass away. None of our other family thought it was relevant to be with her then at all. After all that she did her entire life for the others (and she did a lot, believe me), they had absolutely nothing to offer her at her very last hour. Painful to see my own family behaving this way. But not surprising at all. Even then, I couldn't manage to handle these ugly souls, I just cried and begged them to come to their senses, but no.
An hour after I left the hospital, she passed on. None of my relatives called me, I just got a text from my sister the morning after that said "She passed at 02.16, thought you should know".
Nothing more, not a word more. Later on, they accused me of her death that night, because I was the last one who saw her alive. Not the terminal cancer that she fought against was to blame, it was obviously me that caused her death. I (stupidly enough) forgave them for saying that, but of course I was angry. But as granny said - freakshow. I still believed that I had no right to say no to them, that I had no right to demand respect. Silly me. Stupid me.
So, it's been six years now, or maybe seven. The day I took the final descision not to see them as my family anymore, that was the day I was born. Litterally. Through the therapy I have learned how this kind of families are dysfunctional, and what follows from their fucked up behaviour. It's actually really horrifying to witness this, to having to see that I lived amongst this sickness my whole life. I've force myself to see without filters, even what I did wrong to others, and that hurts like hell, because I was once one of them but thought I was "not so bad". I too hated, feasted on others sorrows and weak sides, I too was black, inside and out.
Despite this, the last saturday, I sentn a inquiry to one of my two sisters (the milder one) on facebook. She accepted, and I was carefully optimistic about us at least being able to say hi if we meet at the streets of our town. But then she saw that I put her under a filter, so she couldn't see everything in my groups, and of course she shut me of with the Words "If I can't move on your fb like I want to, you have nothing to offer me. So now You know".
I became icecold inside, totally blanc. My thought with the filter was just that, that I wanted us to start of carefully, and of course I didn't want her to get "the whole me" to dig around in just like that. I should mention that she did the same to me a couple of years ago, for something she thought I said about her that weren't true (did she ask me first? No...) So, if it is ok for her, it should be ok for me, but no, no no. I replied to her that it was unfortunate that she didn't say something to me first, before cutting me off. I wanted to say so much more to her..... but this is what I didn't write: I'm sorry, please forgive me, please accept me, please talk to me, see me as I am....
That is was she is used to, me begging. But not anymore. I was very pleased that that thought didn't even cross my mind. The feeling and thought that did cross my mind, however, was how right my earlier absence actually was. It's still on their demands, not ever mine. But I didn't throw that in her face like I first wanted to, I wrote nothing more and closed the conversation.
This is my receipt on my prosperity that I've had, despite the hurt the therapy had caused me.
Yes, I am angry, sad, ashamed and hurt. But this shows just what I already knew, that we should have no contact at all.
For those of you who read my other blog, I think you will understand a bit more.
The inference of all this is - stand your freaking ground, belive that what you feel in your deepest soul and heart is real no matter what others tell you. Do good to others, but only if they do good to you, and do NOT hesitate to leave, that's the best you can do loved. And allow your self to feel love.
torsdag
Just let me sleep
Even though I've come pretty far on my journey to feel better, I sometimes fall into old patterns again. Without even noticing actually..
The last two weeks, I've winded myself up to the level where I have troubles getting to sleep, have no feelings of hunger, and run forward like a bulldozer here at home.
Yesterday I just stopped in the middle of it all and almost slapped myself when I finally saw what I was doing.
First, I got frustrated, then sad, then tired, then determined to make it stop.
Through out the last year, I've worked out a kind of checklist to get to the bottom with my behavior as soon as possible. It looks something like this (and is measured during three days):
-Have I eaten? (When and what did I eat, and how?)
-Have I slept? (When, how much, continuously?)
-Showered?
-Been outside in broad daylight?
-Exercised?
When I am a bit of a mess, all of the above is out of balance. And they mostly work depending on each other.
So, where do I start when I want to correct it all before it goes even further down the line?
If I look at this now, during these weeks, it would probably be like this:
-I've eaten in a hurry (because of our youngest, he's a handfull right now). And when I've been eating, I'm always stressed out, so I tend to eat fast carbs, like bread and pasta (my body really dislikes gluten, too bad...) and candy more often than usually. So, my stomach is angry with me.
-Sleep. Hm... My beloved husband is down with a nasty cold. This means he snores and coughes - a lot. Our toddler also got this virus, so he sleeps every now and then during the day and night. No pattern at all. So my sleep is out of order. Big time.
-Shower, getting outdoors and maybe do my exercises, well.. Ok, that part I do , not least because our dog needs her time in the woods.
So today I've been pretty hard on my family, but I refuse to have a guilty conscious about that.
I demanded to get to eat my breakfast properly (my oldest had to take care of baby toddler for ten sweaty minutes), I took a longer walk with our dog than I usually do, and we all ate dinner (even though I get to eat after hubs, so we can take turns in watching the baby who is not at all cooperative while at the dinner table at the moment) and no one was allowed to rush through it just to get away from the table and back to the computer.
Yei for me!
This night, I even demanded to have the bedroom all by myself, and the baby. As long as my man is having this cold (and snores like I don't know what), I think it's in order for him to sleep in the guestroom. Either that, or I'll have to punch him several times at night, and that I really don't want to do. Nor do I want to get frustrated and angry at him over this. Completely unnecessary if we can avoid it.
I can really recommend you all to make a list like this, I think it helps most of the time.
Make room for columns marked Problem, Cause and Solution. Just try for a while, Hope it works as good for you as it does for me.
The last two weeks, I've winded myself up to the level where I have troubles getting to sleep, have no feelings of hunger, and run forward like a bulldozer here at home.
Yesterday I just stopped in the middle of it all and almost slapped myself when I finally saw what I was doing.
First, I got frustrated, then sad, then tired, then determined to make it stop.
Through out the last year, I've worked out a kind of checklist to get to the bottom with my behavior as soon as possible. It looks something like this (and is measured during three days):
-Have I eaten? (When and what did I eat, and how?)
-Have I slept? (When, how much, continuously?)
-Showered?
-Been outside in broad daylight?
-Exercised?
When I am a bit of a mess, all of the above is out of balance. And they mostly work depending on each other.
So, where do I start when I want to correct it all before it goes even further down the line?
If I look at this now, during these weeks, it would probably be like this:
-I've eaten in a hurry (because of our youngest, he's a handfull right now). And when I've been eating, I'm always stressed out, so I tend to eat fast carbs, like bread and pasta (my body really dislikes gluten, too bad...) and candy more often than usually. So, my stomach is angry with me.
-Sleep. Hm... My beloved husband is down with a nasty cold. This means he snores and coughes - a lot. Our toddler also got this virus, so he sleeps every now and then during the day and night. No pattern at all. So my sleep is out of order. Big time.
-Shower, getting outdoors and maybe do my exercises, well.. Ok, that part I do , not least because our dog needs her time in the woods.
So today I've been pretty hard on my family, but I refuse to have a guilty conscious about that.
I demanded to get to eat my breakfast properly (my oldest had to take care of baby toddler for ten sweaty minutes), I took a longer walk with our dog than I usually do, and we all ate dinner (even though I get to eat after hubs, so we can take turns in watching the baby who is not at all cooperative while at the dinner table at the moment) and no one was allowed to rush through it just to get away from the table and back to the computer.
Yei for me!
This night, I even demanded to have the bedroom all by myself, and the baby. As long as my man is having this cold (and snores like I don't know what), I think it's in order for him to sleep in the guestroom. Either that, or I'll have to punch him several times at night, and that I really don't want to do. Nor do I want to get frustrated and angry at him over this. Completely unnecessary if we can avoid it.
I can really recommend you all to make a list like this, I think it helps most of the time.
Make room for columns marked Problem, Cause and Solution. Just try for a while, Hope it works as good for you as it does for me.
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