Most of you have had a moment or more like this, I'm sure of that. And it's always so welcome!
This happened to me just yesterday. In my earlier post, I wrote about my sister and a bit about our hurtful, broken realtionship. Since the facebook thing, I've been (as always) through multiple thoughts and feelings.
I pretty much end up with the same results as always - I'm worthless, not good enough for their company, and most of all: They hate me and the person that I am. And that hurts a lot. Never in my life (although I really wanted to) have I been able to see things differently than what I've been fed with from early childhood. My family (mostly my mother that would be) is ashamed of me, I'm always wrong (even when I'm right) and I can do no good to anybody. If I'm nice - I'm after something. If I'm bad - well, they knew that I could never behave anyways. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what.
So, what do you do, and what do you answer to that? Really?
What never struck me in the depth of my heart was this: Maybe I'm not the "bad guy" here. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the good one, the one that sees the truth and actually refuse to settle with the lies. Maybe I was that child that had the strength not to give in to their darkness (but it was a hard struggle to stand out and make protests like I did), and maybe they are the ones that should be ashamed. If any.
Not me. Ever.
But now I see things in a different light. Eariler, when we were younger, I could never understand why my sister wasn't treated so good by some of her friends. I could only feel so very sorry for her about that. For me she was the perfect girl, mom said so over and over again (and how not perfect I was on the other hand, she never sat out a chance to tell me so). Later on, in our teens, I couldn't understand why my sister rated every guy that wasn't so good looking, rich or popular etc etc. But of course she did the right thing by humiliating the boys that lost their heart to her. They were to much geek, wore to ugly glasses, didnt' have the right clothing... They never were good enough for her. But that too was completely right.
She seldom had nice things to say about her classmates. They were too stuck up, they were given the evil eye (who did they think they were - princesses??) if they had nicer clothing or a beatiful hairdo.
And mother fed her (and us all) with more and more envy and jealousy. At the age of nineteen we were fully hatfull teens with not much good to say about anyone that were good looking, rich or had things we didn't have or couldn't get.
At my sisters first employment, they didn't like her. Missunderstood, something is very wrong with those coworkers, of course.
At my sisters second job, she didn't get along with the others either, but she hung in there until she found a new place. But oh the crap I had to hear every day about the others at her work. It never came to an end, ever.
Not even then I could think from a different angle, and see that it was actually my own sister that was the troublemaker and bully. Because she was perfect, still. Everyone seemed to think so. Exept for the ones she didn't get along with. But that was their own fault of course.
A good friend of mine pointed out just yesterday, that my sisters never had anything good to say about me or/and my friends of choise either. I listened to that with half an ear, but when I got home later that evening, that was when it all struck me like sharp lightning.
I have been led to believe that I can't love or enjoy others. And that I am unable to make others happy, that I destroy everyone elses joy. That I hate animals and children, that I can't take care of anything, that my friends are loosers.... You name it.
As I walked through the forest, with my dog, I just thought "When did I ever hear them say a nice word about anybody? Really? When was the last time they all said something nice to or about anyone around us?" Considering it has been a good six years since I spoke to them, I had to think really hard before I could answer my own questions here.
Never. I. Have. Never. Heard. A. Single. Nice. Word. About. Others.
Talk about hallelulja moment. Plopp. Just like that.
When I broke up with my family, it took a couple of years before I could honestly say (and mean it) that another girl was beautiful, smart or funny. But as soon as I began using those words more and more, I also began to feel happier. When I wasn't starring myself blind on others faults and problems, I actually began to move forward inside myself.
I have never questioned why it felt so strangely good to say nice things about others until now. I never thought so deeply about it. Maybe it sounds strange, but that's the way it was.
Every time I said warm words to a person, I felt (and still feels) like I invented something brand new, that's the closest to an explanation I can give you.
And still, through all these years, I have clung onto that feeling that my sister was the good one of us, when that wasn't really the whole truth.
If she was that nice, why would there always be a fight or bad feelings where ever she went?
And all the times when people asked where my name comes from and if I'm related to the others with the same name here... When I say yes to that question, people tend to look at me with a bit of.... hm... deprecation in their eyes.
I have always thought that must be because of what they've heard about me, but now I discovered that isn't really the case. My family isn't popular because of all the hurt they've spread around here in our town. They're not liked because of the lies, the bad behaviours and exploitation of others.
It has never been me. I have fooled myself to believe that everyone must know how bad of a person I am, and therefor react by that. It never came to my mind that I have almost never hurt another human here (if you don't count the times I've called of relationships in my teens etc). The times (and there are many, although I do not want to admit it) when people give me hugs just out on the street cause it's been long since they saw me, the times that I meet happy faces and smiles, the times when people come to my house for a chit chat and coffe, well... It never occured to me that these people actually like me. Me. I'm not impopular, but I sure as hell has made myself believe that. Until now.
But now it stops. Because once the truth is ut in the light, it can't be covered no more.
So. Belive in your own good <3
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