Sorry for my absence these last weeks. I'll have to blame a nasty mancold (yes, women can have those too). But now I'm back to my self again, yei to that!
So. What's happening in my life at the moment?
A.....lot!
I finally got my cooperation all set and ready to go with a rehabilitationteam. Isn't that great? And what's even better - I got the absolutely sweetest lady to be in charge of my progress, and we have now worked out a lighter plan for me getting back to work (and in time - a normal life). She is very sound and has a good, sober way in looking at life, she has been burnt out herself, so she really knows what that's like too, and she has a son with certain disabilities, so she gets that part as well.
Although it's hard for me to trust others, I'm slowly getting my hopes up here. And it feels so good. On top of that, my economic situation is being taken cared of by another man at this rehabteam. (No, I'm not going to be wealthy by this, but at least I can pay my bills properly, as long as I take good care of and plan my financial situation well).
At the end of this week I'm going to have yet another meeting with the nice lady, and then they are going to send me to a doctor for an examination, just to get some of my conditions checked up properly one more time. Let's just really, reeeally hope they have a good, understanding, not ignorant doctor on board....
Of course I understand that rehab is going to take time for me, maybe even up to three years they said. But at least I'm on my way. And I'm actually going to allow myself to feel good about this! Even if it's just for now.
fredag
I'm choosing to be pissed off
Not a choise I would recommend on a Friday, the beginning of the weekend. One should be at least slightly happy, but no, I'm really mad and stressed out.
Our street's got a big leak, so we have no water, haven't had in a day. No washing neither the baby's bottles, hands, no nothing.
And that's when you realize how lucky and comfortable we really are in this land.
But still pissed off for other reasons as well. I'm taking a few days off this blog for now, and get back when I have other words than these nastyness to write.
See ya!
Our street's got a big leak, so we have no water, haven't had in a day. No washing neither the baby's bottles, hands, no nothing.
And that's when you realize how lucky and comfortable we really are in this land.
But still pissed off for other reasons as well. I'm taking a few days off this blog for now, and get back when I have other words than these nastyness to write.
See ya!
tisdag
Back on track, sort of...
The emotional chaos have calmed down a bit now, thank you Lord (or whomever in charge of things).
My husband (and I) have talked this disappointment through as much as an aspie of his kind can express things in words. (I have to be really careful not to "speak over him", which can be easy to do when it takes him a minimum of ap 20 minutes to just answer a daily, simple question...)
He finally came around, and is now seeking other occupations, I'm so proud of him! Of course it still hurts like hell for him, but he's back in the game again. Hopefully something will come up that suits his skills just fine.
What's more on the board today...?
Oh. I made a call to the head of the newspaper that wrote this article about me and heavy painkillers. It turned out this lady who made the article didn't have permission at all to throw this minimovie of me speaking about suicide out on the internet.
Stupid and too naive for my own good, I thought I had no right to complain about all that, but as the days went by I got more and more angry of her.
Who was she to lie in my face about not filming, who was she to publish this on the freaking net without me even knowing of it??
So. I made a call to her boss (aka The Boss) and just asked a bit politely if this was allowed, and if this was the way they did things at this newspaper if his. I told him about how my teens felt after seeing their mom saying out loud that she had planned (and set a date) to commit suicide (even if that's not the case now, four years later), especially since they lost their father that way. This boss went bananas, berserk and yelled preeeetty much. The woman who wrote about me (her writing was ok though I told him) is not going to be able to pull a trick like this again, we can just leave it to that. Ha!
For once I stood up for myself. For once I didn't allow someone else to push me around and to get away with a lousy behavior that I had to suffer over.
High five to me!
-The Right To React
My husband (and I) have talked this disappointment through as much as an aspie of his kind can express things in words. (I have to be really careful not to "speak over him", which can be easy to do when it takes him a minimum of ap 20 minutes to just answer a daily, simple question...)
He finally came around, and is now seeking other occupations, I'm so proud of him! Of course it still hurts like hell for him, but he's back in the game again. Hopefully something will come up that suits his skills just fine.
What's more on the board today...?
Oh. I made a call to the head of the newspaper that wrote this article about me and heavy painkillers. It turned out this lady who made the article didn't have permission at all to throw this minimovie of me speaking about suicide out on the internet.
Stupid and too naive for my own good, I thought I had no right to complain about all that, but as the days went by I got more and more angry of her.
Who was she to lie in my face about not filming, who was she to publish this on the freaking net without me even knowing of it??
So. I made a call to her boss (aka The Boss) and just asked a bit politely if this was allowed, and if this was the way they did things at this newspaper if his. I told him about how my teens felt after seeing their mom saying out loud that she had planned (and set a date) to commit suicide (even if that's not the case now, four years later), especially since they lost their father that way. This boss went bananas, berserk and yelled preeeetty much. The woman who wrote about me (her writing was ok though I told him) is not going to be able to pull a trick like this again, we can just leave it to that. Ha!
For once I stood up for myself. For once I didn't allow someone else to push me around and to get away with a lousy behavior that I had to suffer over.
High five to me!
-The Right To React
lördag
Rough days, asperger diagnosis
This week has not been easy. First of all, my husband got diagnosis aspergers syndrome, or as the psychiatrist said "You are clearly autistic, but the level you're at, we call it HFA".
HFA is a high functioning autistic. That means that he is within the numbers of the scale that shows if a person is on the autism spectra, but that he is functioning well measured to our society's standards.
The short version:
I have suspected this for two years (we've been together 2,5 years). Or, to be honest, I did more than suspected it, I kind of knew somewhere, for sure.
During my last pregnancy (his first time being a father), he acted so strange. I just couldn't figure out if he was not happy about the baby (but he bought all these baby stuff, even imported toys and clothing etc), or if he was afraid to feel (in case things didn't end well with our son), or if he just hated me and the fact that I became unexpectedly pregnant. It was the last thing I felt most sure about, because he didn't respond to the babys movements in my belly, he didn't speak to me or asked about how I was (it was a tough pregnancy on top of all the other shit), he ignored me totally when we were around others (exept for when we met with his family, then he always held my hand and sat close to me). To make a long story short- he seemed to be a complete asshole.
As time went by, and we moved in together, I started noticing strange behavior patterns. He always seemed to do the same stuff in a very precise order that couldn't be interrupted, he struggled with finding answers when we talked (he actually struggled for usually over an hour, sometimes longer, even in the smallest daily conversations, then he might answer - but very often the answer never came), he made strange noises and had tics..
So, chitchatting never happened in our home, silence always happened, to put it nicely.
This thing with heavy delayed answers and problems to take initiatives to actually take action even to the smallest things is a big trouble in his life, but he has always thought he's just lazy or clueless.
Well, however. That's when I realized he wasn't a jerk at all. He had been able to "hide" his behaviors fairly well for as long as we didn't live together, but now when we shared more than our office at work, it became harder and harder to hide.
My heart breaks for many reasons here. He must have struggled so unbelievably hard to behave "normal" around me (what now normal really is in our world?), he did know on some level that he had troubles and was different from others, and - I'm actually sorry for my self, for all the pain this has cost me.
Now, back to this week. He seemed to take the diagnosis quite ok. It was a very good psychiatrist who did this whole examination and all the tests. He came back from their latest meeting feeling relieved, saying that he finally had some kind of answer to why he'd felt like some kind of alien most of his life.
What broke him down completely was that he went to an interview about an important job at the marina some weeks ago. A job he really, really wanted, and he has more than the skills and education they asked for. He is very well educated, actually he's a captain and a really good administrative worker as well.
They got back to him just yesterday, after three long weeks of waiting, and told him that he didn't get this job. They told him that he had all the education right, but that he was too slow in answering them during the interview, and they need someone who can make fast decisions and act on these in the blink of an eye.
They even said that he was better off behind a computer than at the marina. You can imagine how he feels about hearing this...
Now he just sits, quiet, sad and refuses to do anything other than eat. He feels that he is heavy retarded and that everyone can see it. He's ashamed. And I'm completely clueless of what to do, how to help him. Can I even help? Please leave comments if you can come up with any advice.
HFA is a high functioning autistic. That means that he is within the numbers of the scale that shows if a person is on the autism spectra, but that he is functioning well measured to our society's standards.
The short version:
I have suspected this for two years (we've been together 2,5 years). Or, to be honest, I did more than suspected it, I kind of knew somewhere, for sure.
During my last pregnancy (his first time being a father), he acted so strange. I just couldn't figure out if he was not happy about the baby (but he bought all these baby stuff, even imported toys and clothing etc), or if he was afraid to feel (in case things didn't end well with our son), or if he just hated me and the fact that I became unexpectedly pregnant. It was the last thing I felt most sure about, because he didn't respond to the babys movements in my belly, he didn't speak to me or asked about how I was (it was a tough pregnancy on top of all the other shit), he ignored me totally when we were around others (exept for when we met with his family, then he always held my hand and sat close to me). To make a long story short- he seemed to be a complete asshole.
As time went by, and we moved in together, I started noticing strange behavior patterns. He always seemed to do the same stuff in a very precise order that couldn't be interrupted, he struggled with finding answers when we talked (he actually struggled for usually over an hour, sometimes longer, even in the smallest daily conversations, then he might answer - but very often the answer never came), he made strange noises and had tics..
So, chitchatting never happened in our home, silence always happened, to put it nicely.
This thing with heavy delayed answers and problems to take initiatives to actually take action even to the smallest things is a big trouble in his life, but he has always thought he's just lazy or clueless.
Well, however. That's when I realized he wasn't a jerk at all. He had been able to "hide" his behaviors fairly well for as long as we didn't live together, but now when we shared more than our office at work, it became harder and harder to hide.
My heart breaks for many reasons here. He must have struggled so unbelievably hard to behave "normal" around me (what now normal really is in our world?), he did know on some level that he had troubles and was different from others, and - I'm actually sorry for my self, for all the pain this has cost me.
Now, back to this week. He seemed to take the diagnosis quite ok. It was a very good psychiatrist who did this whole examination and all the tests. He came back from their latest meeting feeling relieved, saying that he finally had some kind of answer to why he'd felt like some kind of alien most of his life.
What broke him down completely was that he went to an interview about an important job at the marina some weeks ago. A job he really, really wanted, and he has more than the skills and education they asked for. He is very well educated, actually he's a captain and a really good administrative worker as well.
They got back to him just yesterday, after three long weeks of waiting, and told him that he didn't get this job. They told him that he had all the education right, but that he was too slow in answering them during the interview, and they need someone who can make fast decisions and act on these in the blink of an eye.
They even said that he was better off behind a computer than at the marina. You can imagine how he feels about hearing this...
Now he just sits, quiet, sad and refuses to do anything other than eat. He feels that he is heavy retarded and that everyone can see it. He's ashamed. And I'm completely clueless of what to do, how to help him. Can I even help? Please leave comments if you can come up with any advice.
torsdag
It's been awhile
For the past few weeks, I've been trying to get my medicines and feelings right and on track. Not too easy...
In with the Lamotrigin, out with the Serotonins, and this (according to docs orders) should happen -wapisch- in about four weeks. Yeik. But now I'm finally kind of free from Serotonins at least. Can't say it feels all that great though, but I think (carefully allowing myself to feel a tiny amount of hope here) that this might work out for me.
Unfortunately the arthritis is kicking my ass right now. I would have preferred it to be the other way around of course. When my body acts like this, I'm always a bit torn down. Feelings of worthlessness and frustration over that I can't move and be around everything like I so badly want to, is overwhelming.
One of the reasons I actually have been on the serrots for all these years is just that - a painful body that some days seem to make every effort to drag my limbs through hell.
I understand very well that some of my pain is psychosomatic, and a result of a abusive, rough childhood. My body has, during the first twelve years of my life, taking quite a heavy amount of being beaten up severely from time to time, and on top of that, the psychic abuse that actually were -and still is- the hardest thing to come to peace with now as a grown up.
Of course the body reacts to all that, I know. But nevertheless, my pain is very real for several reasons. One of the reasons is that my spine and neck is injured because my mother pushed me down the stairs as an eight year old girl. That left me bound to the bed for almost a month. A couple of years later she crashed our car in high speed, with me in the passenger seat. (Guess who she left in the car, not even looking at, nor helping to get out...)
The list can be long and cruel, but I don't have the energy and courage to get into that today.
I've often heard "Why didn't anyone report this abuse?" Anybody, my grannies or neighbors or just anyone. School?
Because she blamed it mostly on me. Saying that I just seeked attention by calling on pain and whining to the level that she gave up and let me have my way "as the good mother to a psychical ill child" she was. How warm hearted of her. Strange though that she didn't seek psychiatric help for this nerve-racking child of hers...?
As you notice, I'm angry about this, giving my childhood a lot of
though right now. Too bad one can't stop the thinking and feelings just like that.
My hope is that I might give someone (that neighbor or relatives or others) the courage to actually react and do something, even if you're just suspecting something's wrong, not having any real proof. You could save someone's childhood...
In with the Lamotrigin, out with the Serotonins, and this (according to docs orders) should happen -wapisch- in about four weeks. Yeik. But now I'm finally kind of free from Serotonins at least. Can't say it feels all that great though, but I think (carefully allowing myself to feel a tiny amount of hope here) that this might work out for me.
Unfortunately the arthritis is kicking my ass right now. I would have preferred it to be the other way around of course. When my body acts like this, I'm always a bit torn down. Feelings of worthlessness and frustration over that I can't move and be around everything like I so badly want to, is overwhelming.
One of the reasons I actually have been on the serrots for all these years is just that - a painful body that some days seem to make every effort to drag my limbs through hell.
I understand very well that some of my pain is psychosomatic, and a result of a abusive, rough childhood. My body has, during the first twelve years of my life, taking quite a heavy amount of being beaten up severely from time to time, and on top of that, the psychic abuse that actually were -and still is- the hardest thing to come to peace with now as a grown up.
Of course the body reacts to all that, I know. But nevertheless, my pain is very real for several reasons. One of the reasons is that my spine and neck is injured because my mother pushed me down the stairs as an eight year old girl. That left me bound to the bed for almost a month. A couple of years later she crashed our car in high speed, with me in the passenger seat. (Guess who she left in the car, not even looking at, nor helping to get out...)
The list can be long and cruel, but I don't have the energy and courage to get into that today.
I've often heard "Why didn't anyone report this abuse?" Anybody, my grannies or neighbors or just anyone. School?
Because she blamed it mostly on me. Saying that I just seeked attention by calling on pain and whining to the level that she gave up and let me have my way "as the good mother to a psychical ill child" she was. How warm hearted of her. Strange though that she didn't seek psychiatric help for this nerve-racking child of hers...?
As you notice, I'm angry about this, giving my childhood a lot of
though right now. Too bad one can't stop the thinking and feelings just like that.
My hope is that I might give someone (that neighbor or relatives or others) the courage to actually react and do something, even if you're just suspecting something's wrong, not having any real proof. You could save someone's childhood...
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