Last time I wrote here, my journey back to work through a rehabteam was about to take off.
Well. Not surprisingly, it's going to take some time. Not in the way I expected, but due to failure of the rehabs computersystem. They have a heavy bug in the system, and I'm one of all who can't get my case started because of this.
It's not really the biggest deal, could be far worse of course. But I so wanted to get started! Now I'll just have to be patience for yet another week.
Meanwhile I read and write if time's given. A week ago a friend of mine sent me this book called "You're not crazy, it's your mother". http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/youre-not-crazy-book/
Without hesitation, this book have saved me in so many ways. Of course a lot of my 3-year long therapy has helped me see this thing about my childhood (and sc mother) clearly, but this book summons up just about all of it. And - it gives tools and terms that puts it all in place.
Just to get to read that you are not alone, not the only one with a narcissistic mother, and that it exists a actual word for her condition, imagine the tears I shed while reading! I'm just sad I didn't get to read this book sooner in life!
And the author writes really well according to me. Easy to understand, easy to relate to, easy to take to your heart, honest and clear. Go ahead and read it!
One of the things that I have to struggle with because of the traumas (traumas is actually a weak word compared to what really took place) through my childhood and teenage years is something called dissociation syndrome. More about that here for those of you who want to read a bit about it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Being cut of from your feelings isn't functional at all, even if it's saved my sanity through all this.
And now, working so hard to be able to feel properly again, is really tiring, but its also worth every moment of suffering and agony.
As I said earlier - my psychodynamic therapy has helped me heal a lot, but some days I struggle more than hard to get my mind around all that's happened and where I ended up because of it. There are still days that I actually strongly believe in (and hear in my ears) my mothers words "You are retarded, you're never going to be normal like your sisters. Shame on you, why must you put me through this??"
It took me about twenty years to understand that I am completely not-retarded, that I actually am pretty smart. When I did the big psychiatric evaluation on personality disorders etc, the only thing they did find was my 'repeated depressions caused by childhood traumas', and the fact that I'm above normal in IQ. Actually, far over the limit. So that too helped me realize that I am not stupid. Bam!
One of the thoughts my therapist has repeated many times over is "If your mother thought that you actually was retarded or mentally ill, why didn't she seek help? Why did she treat you the way she did?"
And that is a really good question.
One of the answers is revealed in the term Narcissistic parents. Yes.
Because as long as my mother had this strange, wicked child, all lights were on her. On her as a struggling, desperate, caring mother. An oh the attention she could seek from having this troubled child! She could talk for hours and hours about how she could help me, what roads she had to go down to keep herself together. That her daughter were scared to life and badly beaten and sexually abused for many years, she didn't mention. Of course. Go figure...
Once again, if any of this rings a bell in your soul, please read more about this kind of sick parents.
//Love and strength to all you brave warriors out there!
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