A really beautiful week

This week my kids have had a week off from school, called sports break. For over a year now we have talked about travelling up north, to the snowy mountains and ski for a couple of days, and now we finally did.
My oldest stayed at come though, infected toes, tired after everything in school (it's been a whole lot for him this year since it's his final year at senior and all), so he badly needed to be just by himself for some days. Hard for me not to have my whole family gathered, but I have to let him choose what's best for him without interfering. And when we came back home, he was really relaxed and happy. So... it was right not to force him, although I felt like I was kind of a bad mom for letting him stay at home all by himself. "Cut the cord mooom!"


For myself, I can only say that I (regardless my kids and husband) needed the change more than I could ever imagine. Blessed be my mother in law who took care of our youngest while we went skiing every day.
She and her husband also went with us up north. Although I can be a bit grumpy if not left alone, I really love these two. Truly they are the best parents in law one could have. Always there, always helpful, caring, no arguing ever (not with us or by them self), calm, down to earth.. Simply the best there is!
I've had troubles trusting them, but that's on my table, not theirs. I have troubles trusting almost anyone, but these last years I think I'm learning that some people can be nice and true and, above all, to be counted on for sure.


I always draw parallels to my own parents when I meet my friends (or earlier partners) parents. It hurts a whole lot not to have the unconditional love that I see others getting from their mothers and fathers. It hurts to see how they talk and act around each other, how they trust, laugh, and relax in each others company. But the pain is softening up a bit, even if its a slow process.
Earlier, I had quite big troubles handling this life that I saw others share. Without wanting it, I could get overwhelming feelings of hatred or just feelings of a black hole in my heart. I could actually even get sick to my stomach when my friends hugged their mothers.
Earlier on, if I could, I chose to avoid these situations just to keep some of the love for my friends intact. As I said, I couldn't control the hatred, it even made me prefer loneliness most times to be honest. But I've worked hard on that part as well. Now, I can accept that others really love their moms, without me getting hysterically sad or angry. It might sound crazy to have those feelings, but if you always feel ashamed (shame is one dangerous feeling), neglected and hated, that's the way it goes sometimes..


It is a big step for me, both to put fear aside and trust, and not less to let others like and care for me as well.
The thing is, I kind of have to trust at least my husbands family. I made a promise to myself when we became serious that I would try force my stubborn guard down, but still not lay flat and let myself be treaded on. A very thin string to balance on, that one. But I'm slowly getting there!


So. Tired legs, deep thoughts, a suntan á la cliffhanger, a calmer, stronger soul and a couple of bruises will summon up a really nice week. <3