The ugly wall

Hi.
I'm new here, but not new to writing blogs actually. This might be my seventh blog (I think, probably I've forgotten about some oldies I wrote years ago..), but this is a whole different one.


Earlier, I tried to fit in. I tried to write that "oh look how happy my life is, look at my healthy eating, my time at the gym", yadda yadda, well - you get it?


I didn't want anyone (or mainly myself) see how things really were, deep under the surface. Couldn't admit that I was one constantly unhappy, depressed, pillpopping, angry puppy, no way. That was not how I wanted to see myself at all.


A short background (yes, this actually is the very short version):

Had my first severe depression when I was around nine years old. Grew up with a pretty unstable mother (I get to that later on), and a stone cold father. Two adorable, younger sisters, not so many friends, and grandparents who had no troubles both being there for me, but partly ruled the whole family by giving us a guilty conscious to get their will through.
Moved to my father (in another town) in my teens, hoped for stability and a better life.
Moved to my own apartment at age sixteen, got through school with low grades (but I did it), and started working right the day after I graduated.
Moved back to my hometown at age twenty, got two lovely sons during the next three years, worked, studied, worked a bit more and started my own company at age twenty seven.
Twelve years later, I was both married, divorced, had my third son, got divorced again, and finally I hit the big, hard wall with the speed of lightning it self. Had to shamefully leave my beloved business to my colleague, and just crawl away and hide from everything but my children. Total breakdown, both physically and mentally.
How could this be? Strangely this came as a heavy, ugly surprise to me, I was totally unaware of the life I lived.


That breakdown is now four years ago. And that's where my story, my life, really started.
By building a new ground, a firm, solid one this time, I slowly began (and still is btw) to take my life back, I began to make choices based on what I needed, what my soul needed.
I'll try to get you all a good, fair view of how a sad soul actually can heal, hopefully I can help someone out or at least point you in the right direction <3